An unintended outcome of my work with executive leaders and their employees is that I hear no shortage of stories from people who have lived with abuse.  Many are former victims, now survivors, or they were indirectly victimized because they lived with someone, like a parent, who was directly victimized.  I’m glad this happens; these stories. It never ceases to amaze me; all the heinous ways in which one person can purposefully torture another. 

There are lots of success stories from these courageous people who found a way to leave their abusers.  The list below are 10 ways to leave an abusive situation.  The order in which they appear is my own opinion.  Yours may be very different.  And besides that, rarely is only one of these tips going to lead to escape; it typically takes a combination.  So don’t despair.   

In my book Battered and Abused – Bringing the Darkness into the Light  Dawn wrote the story of the atrocious abuse at the hands of her live-in boyfriend.  She finally fled with the help of a friend.

“He had total control over me.

How could I let this happen? How could I let things get so out of control? Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Why didn’t I leave again? It was because I was ashamed. I didn’t want my family and friends to know what was happening to me.

I knew it wasn’t my fault. I knew it was wrong. I knew all of these things in my rational mind, but every time I thought rationally, I would hear that scared irrational voice in my head. What if he was right? What if my family and friends thought I was the crazy one? What if they believed him and not me? What if they thought less of me? What if they were ashamed of me? What would everyone think when they found out all of the horrible things he had done to me?”

Dawn did everything on this list, expect #3 because she didn’t have children or a job at the time.  She did them in her own order and at a pace that felt right and felt safe for her.  But she survived.

10. Contact the National DV Hotline for someone to talk to

9.  Contact a local shelter and/or an alternative safe place to go.  Or call the National domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233.

8.  Collect things you’ll need in an overnight bag for you and your children) hide the bag someplace you can get to it.

7.  Talk with your children about a plan

6.  Set aside money and spare keys.

5.  Make copies of important documents; i.e. Marriage license, insurance, driver’s license,  Orders of Protection.

4.  Be sure to clear the history, cookies, internet searches and private conversations from your computer.  Use only computers not accessible to your abuser or the abuser’s friends who might help them find you.

3.   Talk to your children’s school about your safety plan.  Talk to your employer.

2.  Keep notes of the abuse; what was said, who witnessed, dates times – the devil is in the details.  Keep photos of injuries and keep medical records.  Maybe it’s the Human Resources manager in me but the credo here is: document, document, document.  Be crystal clear and very specific.

1.  Contact the police to help you get your things out of the house.  Never go along and resist the urge to bring your friends. 

Bonus ideas

•  Put Safety Plan Shoe cards in all of your shoes; hide them in books too.  Available in English and Spanish at http://hressential.com/resources.html
• YOU must absolutely, completely and totally stop coming up with excuses to stay, denials that the abuse will happen again, and the belief the abuser will stop.  Abuse is not love.  Why would you deny yourself the opportunity to have a healthy relationship?  Why would you continue to expose your children and risk lives? This is NOT re-victimizing you.  Face it though – there comes a time where you – and only you can make the decision to go.
• Don’t get involved with an abuser in the first place. Know the warning signs and red flags early on.  Refuse to accept excuses and justifications for abuse!

 What constitutes abuse? The National Domestic Violence Hotline asks the following questions.

“Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?

• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

• Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?

• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

• Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

• Make all of the decisions?

• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?

• Prevent you from working or attending school?

• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?

• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?

• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?

• Force you to try and drop charges?

• Threaten to commit suicide?

• Threaten to kill you?”

crime victim’s rights · depression · domestic abuse · domestic violence at work · domestic violence prevention · family · personal safety · relationships · victim’s rights

Last weekend I was joyfully out taking photos with my Nikon and attached 70-300 “long” lens.  If you’re familiar with this camera and lens combination, you’ll know that the total weight is almost 1 ½ pounds.  About to drive to a new photo op, I got into my driver’s seat, and lifted the camera off from around my neck by the strap.  But it didn’t go.  That lug of a contraption swung back toward my chest and as I lifted the strap I chunked myself right under the chin. It snapped my jaw shut and sent my upper teeth right through my bottom lip.  Aye yi yi! That hurt!  

“Crud!”  O.K., that’s not really what I said, but you get the gist.  I had no time to waste so I sucked it up (blood included) and continued on my journey.  Fortunately, I was headed to an ice rink.  Great! I could get ice on my lip.  No, not from planting myself face down on the skate surface!  I went to concessions and asked for ice in a napkin.  Clearly the vendor had seen his share of rink accidents; he pulled out a baggy instead and filled it up.  Ahh, relief.  I was mortified though.  My lip was swelling and I resembled a cowboy with a mouthful of chewing tobacco.  To my utter horror, the area below my lip was taking on a deep purple hue.  And I had tickets that night to the theater with a four star dinner beforehand.

I readied myself with one liners for each time I had to explain to someone what happened to my lip.  I just knew people would goggle and stare. “What happened to YOU?” they’d say.  I’d hear it over and over again.

But I didn’t.  In the week’s time that it took for the swelling to subside and the bruise to fade, not one person asked how I’d been hurt.  No one asked if I was O.K.  No one said a thing.  Certainly it can’t be because they were worried about embarrassing me more regarding my lack of grace and coordination. 

Ah, the irony. 

In training, I dialogue with managers and employers about the importance of asking if someone is O.K.  The managers and I spend a significant about of time on skill practices and the pros and cons of various dialogues and questions to ask employees.  Like does the person need assistance finding resources, would they like help getting out? People who are victims of abuse need to know someone cares and they are achingly waiting for someone to reach out and offer an ear of concerned listening.

I’m really lucky; it was my own klutziness that decorated my face with a fat lip.  But what if that wasn’t the case?  Go back to my most previous blog Six Steps to Safe Environments to Ask For Help and read up on talking to someone who is a victim of abuse.  It can make a word of difference to someone.

As for me, my lip is healed, but my pride still hurts.  Maybe I should go back to my little pocket camera.

camera · Coaching · collaboration · consulting · depression · domestic abuse · Domestic Violence · domestic violence in the workplace · employees · Nikon · personal safety · team work · training · violence

When the Human Resources director called to describe the female employee’s resistance to discussing the abusive husband who kept showing up at the workplace; making his presence sin her life achingly obvious with emails, phone calls and vigils in the parking lot.

“She won’t talk with me.” said the director. “She clams up.” They asked me to meet with the woman on their behalf, thinking that a neutral outsider could encourage her to help.

So we sat down, the Human Resource director, the employee and me. And that’s where I got my big surprise. The director ordered the woman to meet with me. The tone of her voice was angry, and insistent as she gave her a directive, “You will talk with Ms. Angelo until she says you can go!” Ouch. Quite frankly that answered all my questions as to why this woman was so reluctant to talk.

When you are a domestic violence victim discussing the dynamics of your relationship is very, very complex. We’ve written about that in other blogs. Let’s focus now on how to create safe environments to ask for help for victims of domestic violence.

1.   Start with your room environment. Invite the employee to talk with you in a place that’s quiet and not where everyone can see you talking. Have water and tissue boxes available on the table. (Some say you should not hand a tissue to someone crying as it sends a subliminal message that they should stop. Instead ensure they can easily reach tissues on their own).

2.   Be an “active listener.” This sends the message that you are genuinely interested and respect what they have to say. Give your full attention and comment on what you think you heard. If you did not understand what was said, ask for clarification. Ask open ended questions that do not convey judgment. For example you can ask, “Could you tell me more about that?”, “What do you mean he has a temper just like his father?” “What happened next?” “Would you like help getting out?” “May I give you a list of resources and phone numbers?”

3.   Be positive and have an upbeat tone of voice. No one likes to listen, or open up, to someone who is grumpy; smile. Show enthusiasm and be positive when having conversations with victims or suspected victims. Maintain eye contact without staring. Nod occasionally and lean forward slightly.

4.   Offer guidance that addresses the person’s problem, behavior, or concern. Do not criticize for wrong or bad behavior; instead develop an action plan to help the victim (or offender) change the situation that’s unsafe and/or affecting their work. Talk about strategies they can use in difficult situations. Discuss hypothetical scenarios such as what he/she can do if they are in an unsafe situation and hopefully avoid getting into dangerous situations.

5.   Maintain and enhance self-esteem and self-respect. People with positive self-esteem are more likely to reach out for help and accept the help that is offered. Where victims are concerned try to remember that the batterer, or offender’s, greatest ally is to minimize and strip their victim of self-worth. Most victims have been told so often that they are unworthy that they’ve come to believe it. You can help replace lost self-esteem.

6.   Know your limitations. The reason clients seek me out for domestic violence training, is that it raises DV Intelligence. Know that there are times that a subject matter expert can ensure you address the situation correctly and help safeguard your from making a mistake that could violate compliance or land you in hot water. If you are attempting to get your employee to seek help from experts, be the first to set an example and seek help yourself.

active listener · Coaching · depression · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · human resources director · personal safety · self-esteem · stress in the workplace · training · violence

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When I’m sixty-four? Lennon/McCartney

Rumor has it that Paul McCartney wrote this song at only 15 or 16 years of age. He was on to something. Not that the song is about abuse. It’s a reflection of ongoing love. Yet it’s relevant.

We don’t Talk About it Enough: Elder Abuse

Following an employee training I conducted at a client’s location, a gentleman approached me to talk as I powered down my computer and gathered my materials. It’s not unusual for me to be approached after such trainings and the discussions are key. This is how you know you’ve had an effect on your attendees.
This man was in his early 70’s, timid and soft-spoken. It was clear he needed to talk. He veiled his choice of words as “I have this friend…” and “What can you tell me about older people?” It was heart-breaking. When you know it’s them, it always is. We had a really nice conversation. I’m glad we had some time together to talk.

I’ll share with you the gist of what I shared with him:

Elder abuse is the maltreatment of an elderly or disabled person by a family member or caretaker. As with intimate partner violence and abuse, elder abuse can include physical, sexual, or psychological abuse; financial exploitation, and/or neglect, including the denial of basic needs such as food and medical care.
Remember that no one – not your caretaker, not a family member – is allowed to:

• Deny you meals or medication
• Hide or break your eyeglasses, hearing aid, or false teeth
• Threaten to hurt you or your children, your pets, or friends
• Humiliate, be cruel, or speak harshly to you
• Keep you away from friends and family
• Take your Social Security checks
• Spend your rent or food money
• Steal your belongings
• Hit, beat, push or restrain you
• Force you to have sexual contact
• Keep you locked up
• Deny you access to your loved ones or supportive contacts

This is only an example of things that could be happening. If they are, to you, or a loved one, please contact:

In Arizona:

Arizona Department of Economic Security https://www.azdes.gov
Area Agency on Aging http://www.aaaphx.org/DOVES+PROGRAM

National Resources:

National Committee for the Prevention of Elder Abuse http://www.preventelderabuse.org/
National Center on Elder Abuse http://www.ncea.aoa.gov

Domestic violence training · Domestic violence victim · Elder Abuse · management training · Paul McCartney · Social Security · Violence prevention

 It can be agonizing to watch anyone stuck in the demeaning rut of domestic violence or abuse.  Not a day goes by that I don’t encounter someone with a story to tell, a training has never ended without several people coming up to me to tell me their story, and not a webinar concludes without online or telephone contact with an attendee.

And sometimes the person I’m talking to is a friend.  That was the case recently with a friend I’ve known since we were kids.  She’s got her back against the wall.  The freeloader she’s married to criticizes her, insults her, manipulates her, ridicules her, and cheats on her.  He’s conned the kids and in-laws into believing she’s selfish and uncommitted to the relationship because she wants out.

“What’s his motive?” You ask.  The guy’s sick.  Cancer in every conceivable part of his body.  But not so bad that ongoing rounds of chemotherapy and radiation aren’t doing an effective job of keeping the disease in check and the jerk alive.  And she’s the one with the insurance policy.  See the dilemma?

It’s not at all uncommon for there to be one, or many, obstacles to leaving, and this one is her’s.  She feels guilty.  She probably feels like she’s supposed to stick to her vows.  Yet he’s masterfully reneged on all of his.  She also knows quite well, that if the situation was reversed he would never stay with her to keep him on his insurance, if he had it, and see her through such a destructive illness.

I hope, for my friend, that one day she’ll be ready to see the financial and emotional abuse for what it is and get past the guilt.  That medical problems aside, there is no marriage.  In the best of health there was no marriage, and the hope that things will change is misguided and fruitless.

In the meantime, I’m on the outside looking in. All I can do is listen and love and support my friend.  Would you be able to do the same for yours?

cancer · conversation · depression · disgruntled · domestic abuse · family · training · victim

 You may be thinking “What’s the value in reading people’s thoughts on what a healthy relationship means to them?”  The value is that we all have similar wants, but the vast majority of people are deaf to other’s internal needs. 

Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to open up to what really makes for healthy relationships.  At the end of the day (and I don’t literally mean Valentine’s Day!) it’s a win-win better – than chocolate fountain dipped marshmallows with zero calories!

Did You Know?

Approximately 141 million Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged annually, making Valentine’s Day the second most popular card-sending holiday after Christmas.

To victims of domestic violence or abuse Valentine’s Day may represent a rare reprieve from abuse and or be a part of the “honey moon” phase when things in the relationship are temporarily stable, but the abuse is lurking around the corner.

I asked friends of mine for their thoughts on what a healthy relationship means to them. It was wonderful to have them share their most heartfelt sentiments:

A healthy relationship is one that enhances and adds to your life, never changing who you are.     
Lorrie Wnuk

 All relationships are healthy if you use them to learn about yourself and grow.
Kimberly A.

Life is too short to waste hating anyone
You don’t have to win every argument, agree to disagree
Make peace with your past, so it won’t screw up your present
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie, don’t save it for a special occasion
Today is special
No one is in charge of your happiness, but you
Life is short, eat dessert first
Spend time with those you love
Donna H. (who got it from a 90 year old woman).

I found my perfect mate later in my life. I was forty something and found someone who make me laugh every day. I can say we are a shining example of mutual respect,  and he is my most trusted advisor. He may spin his responses for sensitivity sake, but he is nothing if not always honest. I am blessed every day to have him. Respect, Integrity and Humor work for any type of relationship.
Mary Henry

 Healthy relationships don’t just happen. They take work. Any relationship – whether it’s in your office, your personal life, with your partner, your children, or extended family – needs nurturing. First comes listening, then add humor, followed by empathy.
Karen Cortell Reisman

A healthy relationship is one where each other’s ideas, suggestions, concerns or even quirks can be discussed without fear of retribution.
To trust someone and for him to trust you back is the greatest fulfillment in life.
He loves me for who I am, even when I do or say something really stupid.  At least we can laugh about it.
My best friend is my husband.
My best friend is my sister – she’s always there for me!
Lari B.

What do you think?  Would you send me your thoughts too?

Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

Stephanie

chocolate · domestic abuse · domestic violence at work · domestic violence prevention · Marshmallows · personal safety · Valentine's Day

I was stopped at a red light one day, and you know how it is – you look around at other cars while you kill those two or three minutes waiting for the green.  I glanced up into my rearview mirror and noticed the young woman in the car behind mine.

She was crying. 

I watched. 

She wasn’t whimpering.  She was weeping.  Hard, painful crying.  She looked bereft and heartbroken. 

My imagination started churning.  Did she break up with a boyfriend?  Had someone died?  Maybe she lost her job?

I had a crazy urge to get out of my car and run back to hers.  I know that was impractical, unsafe and would probably make the drivers of the long line of cars behind her furious. What

would she do if I approached her?  Be grateful for my concern or think I was out of line for prying?

I imagined there were TV cameras around me hidden in the trees and that John Quinones of the TV show What Would You Do? Was about to pop out at any time.  Maybe they were doing a show on whether people gave a hoot about the pain of total strangers.

I’ve thought long and hard about that time.  What would I have done if she’d been sitting at a bus stop and I’d walked by?  Would I have stopped? 

Being that my career is immersed in dealing with the pain of domestic violence and it’s spillover to the workplace, I believe I would have stopped.  I picture myself saying to her, “You look so sad.  If you’ll talk with me for a moment, I promise to listen without judging.  Maybe just talking will help.”

I can’t guarantee if that would work.  But I hate to imagine never trying, and always wondering if I could’ve helped.  Some day, if they haven’t done it already, there will be an episode of What Would You Do? that watches to see if folks would reach out to a total stranger in emotional pain.

Cameras in the trees or not – what would you do?

Crying · Domestic Violence · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · personal safety · stress in the workplace · tears · traffic

Click link to watch this 1 minute video!    Announcing TheDVU

Coaching · consulting · Counselors · depression · domestic abuse · Domestic Violence · domestic violence prevention · Social Workers · stress in the workplace · Therapists · training · victim’s rights · violence

She was hidden away and invisible to the outside world.  I imagine she felt forgotten; like she didn’t exist at all.  Read Laura’s heartbreaking story.  Then applaud her will to live and tenacity to survive; and remember there are likely hundreds of other women out there that are jailed inside their homes.   How will you see them and how will you help? http://tiny.cc/3bcdj

crime victim’s rights · depression · domestic abuse · domestic violence prevention · personal safety · prevention · victim’s rights · violence

Serrated

Kudos to Superior Court Judge Susan Brnovich for getting tougher on DV.  http://tiny.cc/hve1r . In this case, the accused killer of Jamie Laiaddee, Rick Valentini gets 42 years plus an additional 12 for other fraud charges.  Bronovich was the prosecutor in 2002 for Tracy’s case which led to dismal and disappointing sentence http://tiny.cc/wbapi

In October of 2010, Tracy and I had the opportunity to speak to a room full of City of Phoenix Prosecutors and they were stunned as well when they learned how lax the sentence was for Tracy’s ex-husband. 

Tracy and I were not passing judgment of our own, nor pointing fingers.  What we expressed to the crowd was a combination problem.  A lack of strong [prosecution mired with restrictions from a judge who appeared to sympathize with Tracy’s ex-husband.  How else would you attempt to explain the judge barring so much impactful and clearly relevant information from being brought to the jury’s attention?  For example, information like her ex-husband’s nearly identical attack with a knife on a former girlfriend?  The very girlfriend who wanted to testify on Tracy’s behalf in support of the prosecution and was not allowed to by the then judge.  The “excited utterance” was also not allowed.  This was the statement Tracy made to the very first person who came in contact with her, the EMT, to whom she said “my husband did this”.  And yet the judge wouldn’t allow the statement since it was uttered beyond two minutes of the attack.  (So by his own rules he’d reinforced the truth that the attack lasted for nearly two hours!)

Serrated is a mind boggling, anger inducing book.  It’s a must read that will propel you to speak out, as we have, to serve justice the way it should be served.

domestic abuse · Domestic Violence · domestic violence at work · domestic violence prevention · lawsuit · murder · Personal Safety · prosecution · risk · victim · victim’s rights · violence