Human Resource Essential Blog

One of the most gratifying things that happens when I do a workshop on relationships, domestic violence and abuse is when people come up to me afterwards to ask questions or tell their personal story. I never suggest anyone self disclose anything in a public environment that they don’t want to. But a lot of people do want to. Many of them call me or email afterwards. As a manager, you want the same thin to happen. You want a spike in people coming to you to ask for help and resources. That’s when you know there’s success and they’re getting the help they need.

But you need to be fully prepared yourself, with awareness and appropriate training on the dynamics of emotional and physical abuse.

If you’re ready to dip your toe in the water of awareness you can start by registering for webinars offered by Human Resource Essential on July 8^th and 15^th.

You will walk away with immediately applicable increased emotional and business intelligence to effectively address relationships in conflict and domestic violence in the workplace.

You will walk away with immediately applicable skills which will help prevent violence’s costly affects on the workplace and mitigate legal fees and lawsuits.

I have encouraged attendees, who have already registered, to email me any burning questions or concerns they have in advance of the webinars so I can answer them in a confidential manner. You can be among them.

If you’re a Human Resource professional you will also earn 1.5 recertification units pre-approved by the HRCI.

To find out more about the sessions visit www.hressential.com

You may also go directly to the registration link: https://pivotalsolutiongroup.webex.com/mw0306l/mywebex/default.do?siteurl=pivotalsolutiongroup&service=7

Have a safe and happy 4^th of July!

The Family Violence Prevention Fund’s (FVPF) research from various sources shows:

• Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.
• More than one million people report a violent assault by an intimate partner every year in the U.S.
• At least one million women and 371,000 men are victims of stalking in the U.S. each year. Stalkers often follow the victim to the workplace.

Those are just three reasons, of many why an employer should be concerned about relationships in conflict and domestic violence’s effects on the workplace. We haven’t begun to touch on the safety and security concerns, legal costs, costs to health care and other employee related areas, turnover, or productivity, all of which have a tremendous impact on employers.

This is the time to care about what others struggle through. It’s time to stop the ambivalence and “it’s not my problem” self talk. Places of employment are well suited to be the best place for employees with relationships in conflict to receive the referral and resources they need. But only if the employer is progressive enough to realize that whether they know about it or not, domestic violence is happening in the lives of their employees.

If you’re ready to dip your toe in the water of awareness you can start by registering for webinars offered by Human Resource Essential on July 8^th and 15^th.

You will walk away with immediately applicable increased emotional and business intelligence to effectively address relationships in conflict and domestic violence in the workplace.

You will walk away with immediately applicable skills which will help prevent violence’s costly affects on the workplace and mitigate legal fees and lawsuits.

If you’re a Human Resource professional you will also earn 1.5 recertification units pre approved by the HRCI.

To find out more about the sessions visit www.hressential.com

You may also go directly to the registration link: https://pivotalsolutiongroup.webex.com/mw0306l/mywebex/default.do?siteurl=pivotalsolutiongroup&service=7

If you would like information on the exact sources of the FVPF research please contact me or view their website www.endabuse.org

Time and again I hear people criticize victims of abuse for falling back into old familiar habits and relationships. Let’s give credit to the ones who don’t. I just got off the phone with a woman who’s suffered a lot in her past. Now, as a single mother, she struggles a lot. There are financial burdens, child care burdens, sacrifices of time and flexibility, and more.

It would be pretty easy for her to find another relationship where a lot of those issues would be shared. But to what possible cost? Now this friend is very determined to go on with her life. She’s getting an advanced education and ensuring her children are cared for. It came from her own inner strength, determination, and from encouragement from friends and family.

Here are some things you can do if you know someone who’s been a victim of abuse:

• If you notice a friend is in an abusive relationship, don’t ignore signs of abuse. Talk to your friend. Make sure you speak to them in a private setting where you can’t be overheard. Don’t leave phone, text messages or emails that the offender could find.
• Express your concerns. Tell your friend you’re worried. Support, don’t judge.
• Point out your friend’s strengths - many people in abusive relationships are no longer capable of seeing their own abilities and gifts.
• Encourage them to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
  1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or available local resources.
• Encourage them to confide in a trusted employer, health care provider or other appropriate individual. Offer to go with them.
• Never put yourself in a dangerous situation with the victim’s partner. Don’t be a mediator.
• Call the police if you witness an assault.

9/11 is a date, and a set of numbers, that will always hold a painful memory and significance for Americans. Here in Arizona we have a new significance to the numbers. As of yesterday, nine people have been killed in domestic violence incidences in the past 11 days. That includes men, women and children.

This has got to stop! Life is all about choices. From the moment we wake up, to the moment we fall asleep, there is nothing but choice. I’m not saying free will and choice in terms of the emotional chains people who are victims of DV are kept in. I’m talking about choice of thought, choice in reaction.

For those people who get pissed off at a child, spouse, in-law, or some other relative, and reach for the weapon. STOP! Think, even for a moment. Think! You can make another choice. You can drive to a friend’s house to talk. You can call a hotline. You can go into another room, you can open a book, play basketball, cook. You can do something else. Maybe rattling off this list sounds silly. But stop and think. Killing someone accomplishes nothing, and hurts many. It destroys. Enough already. Make a choice to walk away.

Nine people in 11 days. Even one is too much!

I had to go to San Diego for a conference and decided to drive over. I left really early in the dark morning hours. On the quiet freeway the moon was fading as the sun just began to hint its light into the horizon. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a really large bird flying right into the path of my truck. Thud! An explosion of feathers poofed up. I was horrified knowing that I’d probably killed this bird, even though there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it and it sure as heck wasn’t intentional.

I got to San Diego and headed for my hotel on the marina. I had to pass PETCO Park – and sure enough it was a Padres game day. The streets were flooded with people headed to the game and traffic crawled as people looked for parking, and pedestrians jaywalked between cars to get to the stadium.

I was idling a couple feet behind the car ahead of me waiting for baseball fans to pass in front of me; just kind of people watching and listening to the pre-game noise. Two guys passed in front of my truck and the one closet to me points to my grille and says to the other, “Hey, look at that bird!” Oh, my God. I had no idea the thing was still stuck there. It traveled clear from Arizona on the front of my truck.

Here I thought everything was fine. I was still troubled by the idea that I’d hit this innocent bird. But the idea of its mangled body caught in front of me for all those miles made me feel guilty.

I was struck by the simile; that dead bird was like the ugliness that so many people carry around with them and they’re not even aware of it. How many people do you know that are abusive and don’t even want to recognize it, face it, or take accountability in any way? How many of them have been told by a friend, or family member, that they carry around some type of ugliness and they still drive forward, believing they’re fine because they don’t see what’s right in front of them?

I had to clean that bird off. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was necessary. And when you have an abusive nature you have to see it, believe it, and clean it up. Once you do you will feel better and freer for it.

I came across this article from South Carolina and was so disappointed. The goal in eradicating intimate partner violence (IPV) can only be achieved by recognizing that it happens in LGBT relationships too. Intimate partner violence isn’t limited to certain genders (e.g. female), races, ethnicities, socio-economic groups, or other demographic. Everyone deserves to be aware, and to be safe and protected. Educating teens in schools doesn’t mean promoting; it means recognizing that those that are unaware are typically most vulnerable and have less access to support and resources.

Read on:

S.C. teen dating violence bill excludes gays

LGBT advocates appalled over exclusion, say all students should be protected

by Matt Comer | May 15th, 2009

COLUMBIA — A bill that would require schools to provide resources to teens about dating violence passed the South Carolina State House Thursday. Debate over LGBT inclusion has turned a seemingly innocuous piece of legislation into a firebrand.

Palmetto State LGBT activists are furious over an amendment to the bill, offered by Republican Greg Delleney (Chester). The amendment, which was approved for the legislation, prohibits the Department of Education from including mention of same-sex relationships in materials designed to educate teens on dating violence.

“I don’t want the Department of Education or school districts to teach children in grades six through 12 about (same-sex) relationships,” Delleney said.

According to The State newspaper, the bill’s sponsor, Rep. Joan Brady (R-Richland), said she supported Delleney’s amendment.

“My intent is to make sure that every child is protected,” Brady said. “But the predominant occurrence of teen dating violence occurs in girl-boy relationships.”

Advocates are outraged.

“The fact that the state continually tries to find every way to ignore every other type of family … it’s just outrageous,” S.C. Pride Movement President Ryan Wilson told The State.

Ironically, the State House’s move comes at a time when area LGBT organizations had planned on addressing domestic violence. At the end of the month, Wilson’s group, along with the S.C. Gay and Lesbian Business Guild and others, will host a panel discussion and presentation on domestic violence.

Panel discussion organizer Fiona McDevitt told Q-Notes that the state’s continued and willful ignorance of same-sex relationships put lives at jeopardy.

“South Carolina has domestic violence laws that explicitly exclude same-sex survivors of domestic violence,” she said. “This means that individuals cannot obtain orders of protection if they are in a same-sex relationship.”

She said South Carolina is only one of three states that specifically excludes LGBT people from domestic violence protections.

McDevitt also said Brady’s claims about domestic violence are false. “It is a widely held myth in the LGBT community that relationship violence does no occur to the extent that it does in heterosexual couples. This is false. All this myth accomplishes is to create an environment in which people must suffer in silence. The rates of same-sex relationship violence are similar to heterosexual rates.”

McDevitt’s presentation on LGBT domestic violence will be held on May 30, 9 a.m. to Noon at the USC Alumni House, 1731 College Street.

Have you ever noticed how some people go through trauma and are completely devastated by it – forever? Others go through trauma and learn to grieve, go through anger, depression or any gamut of emotions (and there’s typically a time line of them) yet these people go on with their lives and don’t let the trauma dictate the rest of their years?

I always thought that was interesting. And it’s not always based on how horrific the trauma was. I know someone who had an “Ozzie and Harriet” upbringing. Those are her words, not mine. She can’t think of anything that was really bad, scary, fearful or just plain traumatic. But when you look at this person the wrong way she freaks! All of our mutual friends walk on egg shells around her because the slightest infraction sets this “Drama Queen” into a tailspin. We love her – we just have to be “oh, so careful”.

But I have another friend who suffered from homelessness and physical abuse and domestic abuse, who has overcome her past with such great strength and diplomacy. I know she’s affected, there’s no doubt. But you don’t hear the victim trump card, ever. I’m sure she would have given anything to have had the “Ozzie and Harriet” upbringing of the other friend. And for crying out loud, don’t traumatize somebody so they can “get over it”! But I can’t help but think that in some cases those who have never had to deal with something can’t deal with anything.

What could I possibly mean by that? Here it is: there is an overwhelming public perception that if you are a for-profit business you’re in it for the money and that the only do-gooders out there with altruistic intentions are the non-profits. Nothing could be farther from the truth. You have to look at the messenger. Not their business model: what do they stand for, what are they providing, what are the mission, vision and values? How DO they handle the money?

Right now, if you live in Arizona and receive the Arizona Republic newspaper you are probably reading the impressive investigative reporting which began on Sunday, May 3^rd. This series of investigative stories is regarding how charities claim and report in-kind donation values. The reporter, Robert Anglen, is focusing his investigation on one particular charity and how this charity is able to move money and donations around – much of which never gets into the hands of those for whom it’s intended. I, for one, think this investigative story is fantastic and it’s about time someone scrutinized the methods of some non-profits.

Certainly there are many, many non-profits out there that use donations in the most appropriate and ethical manner. There are several I personally support, promote and collaborate with.

I’m often asked about my business model. And for the number of people who think it’s an issue, there are many more that don’t care. They know that expert consulting, the benefit and value it brings, is something worth paying for.

If you take the time to look and the various organizations out there that deal with domestic abuse you’ll see all kinds of various business models: some are non-profits where you still pay for services, some you pay a membership fee, some you receive services for free, you’ll also find attorneys, consultants and therapists, all of whom are paid for their work.

There is nothing wrong with making an honest living and getting paid for the work you do. There’s also nothing wrong (and in-fact everything right) about supporting good, honest non-profits, just make sure that the business model an entity uses is not your be-all-end-all decision maker.

I recently was having a conversation with a friend and we were talking about a friend of hers, whom I’ve never met. My friend’s friend has been trying to divorce her estranged and abusive husband for at least four years. After something like 20 years of marriage to a man who was consistently emotionally abusive, this woman finally was able to separate from him. Oh, yeah, now I remember why…he was sleeping with his secretary. Classic!

Well, he’s now “happily” living with the secretary (who no longer works) but refuses to divorce his wife. (You’d have to wonder what the secretary/girlfriend thinks of that).

Apparently the man consistently plays manipulative mind games with his wife. He makes promises and then reneges on his word. He sets up divorce terms in the pending paperwork and tears the agreement to pieces the next time he’s to sign. This has gone on for four years and is costing her tremendous emotional stress and huge legal fees.

So when my friend said she just doesn’t understand this man, I began, as I do in my seminars and presentations, to explain what abusers are all about: power, control, entitlement, and arrogance. And how, according to a therapist I’ve quoted before, “They need their mamas.”

Then somehow we got caught up on the word “understand”. For a moment she mistook my use of the word “understand” to mean “accept”. I meant nothing of the kind. Abuse, in all its forms, and on every level, is unacceptable.

My Oxford dictionary has several definitions of the word ‘understand’: including, “be sympathetically or knowledgeably aware of the character nature of:’” But I believe, when it comes to offenders of domestic violence and abuse, our role doesn’t have anything to do with sympathy. To me that’s dangerously close to enabling. The exception might be if there is a diagnosed pathology causing mental illness.

To understand an offender means to fathom and comprehend how they operate. When you have that, you have a form of power of your own. You’ve heard the saying, “Knowledge is Power”. Except you have to apply that power or you’ve missed the boat and left yourself vulnerable. So understand, know, comprehend, realize, grasp, figure out, or any other verb that means you “get it”, but I hope you never rest on accepting it.

Recently I was speaking with the president of a speaker’s bureau that represents me, and she asked me how things were going. I said, “well in this economy I’m doing a lot of the ‘ings’; praying, writing, calling…” She laughed and said that I should write an article about that, and if I didn’t soon - she would! Yikes, I better get on that right now!

I’m a business consultant and professional speaker, like most jobs and most industries, my field had taken a big hit. Clients just aren’t budgeting for trainings or meetings. They’re putting every kind of project imaginable on the back burner, waiting for something to happen and a sign the economy is improving.

So in the mean timing, I’m spending my efforts on being as productive as possible. Researching and developing new materials is a critical part of any consultant’s workings, and speaker’s offerings, and this is a great time to do it.

So for the pure fun of it I’m taking several verbs and putting my own slant on them.

Networking: the act of trying to determine who really is working and who’s just saying they are.

Meeting: lots of new friends and business colleagues. That’s always cool!

Reading: lots of newspaper and business journal articles that say we’re deep into a recession - and on the next page an article that says things are looking up. Hmmmm.

Planning: a whole lot of projects and joint ventures with business colleagues.

Doing: the projects – yeah!

Coping: everyday. I really think the economy will be well on the road to recovery by 2010.

Bouncing: off the walls on the days where I’m not coping so well.

Praying: because we can all use a little help.

Hoping: that my predictions as right. Don’t you?

Finishing: this little article because I’m learning that done is better than perfect.