I’m one of those people that always have dark circles under my eyes.  First of all, I have some Mediterranean heritage so it comes with the territory.  Secondly, I never get enough sleep.  There’s always something bouncing around inside my head keeping me up.  (Some say sleep is over-rated, but seriously, after awhile it’d be nice to catch up on zzzzzsss)  But I digress.  So a couple months ago when I had my head shots re-done I had an opportunity to have a professional makeup artist, Mary, “do my face”.  The results, if you’ve seen my new pix, are really nice.  What made it so great was not only Mary’s expert hand, but the fact that she custom blended the colors for my under-eye concealer and foundation.

That was a first for me.  I’ve spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars over the years trying to find close color matches when I bought makeup at drugs stores and department stores.  I found great makeup a lot of times, but it never quite blended with my skin tones.

The next time I needed foundation and concealer I called Mary.  She recreated the custom blends for the makeup; put the concealer in a little jar and the foundation in a bottle.  This truly was my makeup. And when I wear it, it feels so right.  It works so much better.  And those blends would not be as perfect for anyone else.

Workplace domestic violence policies are no different.  Companies across the U.S., if they even have a policy at all, usually have a Workplace Violence Policy.  They believe it will cover their needs for a domestic violence policy when all they’ve really done is covered up a problem, and not very well.  Unless you have a comprehensive domestic violence policy you are only concealing the problem and you are not fully or realistically, addressing it.

Some elements that should be in a comprehensive domestic violence policy:

• the organization’s moral and ethical stance on domestic violence;
• what the roles and responsibilities of various levels and divisions of management are;
• guidance for employees who are victims;
• language to address offenders and co-workers who assist them;
• corrective and disciplinary action;
• local and national resources;
• applicable state laws and how the organization will comply;
• other applicable company policies

Like my make-up, the concept of things made just for you is probably appealing.  Think of the success Burger King® has had with “Have It Your Way”, custom fabricated golf clubs, cowboy boots, and any of the other hundreds of things that are specially designed for the user.  A domestic violence policy is no different and has the capability to do so much more than just feel right.

Benefits of a comprehensive Domestic Violence Policy

(If these look familiar you’ve probably seen my brochures and web site)

• Reduce time on employee issues
• Mitigate negligent retention/negligent hiring
• Improve corporate image
• Improve lives and safety of employees
• Strengthen legal defense & reduce legal fees
• Increase EAP utilization
• Create a safe environment

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Many years ago when I was the Human Resources manager with a venue that included a restaurant, we had a food and beverage supervisor (I’ll call her Rhonda) accused of stealing a coffee mug.  I don’t know what prompted her managers to assume Rhonda took the mug but sure enough, they brought her into  the  F&B department for questioning.

After that she stopped by my HR office to talk with me.   Rhonda said, “I don’t need to steal cheep mugs from this place.  I can get nicer ones somewhere else all day long.  Why would I jeopardize my job for a mug?”  And when her managers could never prove she took the mug they let the matter go.

But two days ago, in Manchester, CT, we have a case of a man, beer warehouse driver, Omar Thornton, have his beer theft shown right in front of him on video tape.  Omar was a guy who chose to jeopardize his job over beer.  The potential racial bullying aside, (which certainly mandates an investigation) he couldn’t even take accountability for his own action when it was presented to him in living color.

So instead he has to go to his lunch box, conveniently stuffed with guns, and shoots eight people.  He’s like the guys that walk into the convenience stores and shoot people in their path to the beer aisle – he just took extra steps in between.  The end result is the same.  Eight families are destroyed.

Trainings on safe terminations are so important and a good part of leadership and management development.  Safe terminations may save lives.

Some tips would include:

• Having a counselor from your Employee Assistance Provider (EAP) available for a meeting immediately after the termination for emotional stress counseling,
• Having your Employee Assistance Provider (EAP) available for a meeting immediately after the termination for financial counseling,
• Having a representative from a job outplacement firm immediately available to talk about employment opportunities ,
• Having a trained Threat Assessment Team or Workplace Violence Prevention Team readily available,
• Having members of the above mentioned team(s) accompany the employee to collect his or her property and require an inspection of property before allowing the employee to access it.

All of the above suggestions require preplanning, and may require outside resources.  All of them have to be a part of your policies and procedures which all employees are informed, but well worth the investment.   I used to work with an outplacement firm and I saw first-hand the shock on people’s faces after termination ease into hopeful faces after receiving counseling.

I’ll never understand why people can’t say, “You’re right.  I screwed up and I’m willing to face the consequences.” (Although in a perfect world people wouldn’t be committing the dirty deeds in the first place).

My heart goes out to the families, coworkers, and friends of the victims of Tuesday’s shooting.  I’m so very grateful that when Rhonda was accused of stealing that mug she said, “Why would I bother?” and shrugged it off.

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Can you imagine the upheaval to the workplace?  Just wrapping your head around the number of hours co-workers would spend taking about it at the water cooler is enough to send shivers up any manager’s spine.  You can’ go anywhere these days without everyone debating whether Mel really abused Oksana.  Is she really trying to extort money?  Is he as violent and bigoted as she says?  Are those recordings real?

It’s enough to make your head spin.  Imagine he works for you.  Now what do you do?  Put him on administrative leave until the mess is cleared up?  Well, that would depend on what your policies said about off duty behavior.  And there’s no way an angry employee embroiled in an ugly bitter breakup is going to reserve antagonistic phone calls for after work hours.  I once heard a situation where a man called his estranged wife 300 times in a single day!  Think of it.  Call, hang up.  Call, hang up.  Call, hang up.  Clearly neither employee is getting any work done.  Neither are their co-workers and their managers.

There are “Mels” and “Oksanas” everywhere.  You may not hear about it.  It may not be all over the news.  It’s happening though.

Abusers often try to manipulate the legal system and discrediting their intimate partner by:

• Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children.
• Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner’s financial hardship.
• Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is “crazy” and making things up.
• Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him.
• Telling police she hit him, too.
• Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.
• Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.

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“You’ll be lucky if she talks to you for five minutes.” the Human Resource manager told me.  I’d been asked to come meet with an employee who was showing “obvious” signs of abuse and exhibiting behavior changes that were seriously affecting her job performance.

The Human Resource manager and several concerned co-workers had tried numerous times to talk with the woman, but she would clamp up, jaw clenched,  and turn to her work.  That is if she didn’t slam out of the room.

When I was introduced to her she was suspicious and extremely tense.  Her body became noticeably rigid.  But it seemed like there was something drawing her in to stay.  She didn’t turn around and leave. I began to talk.  Five minutes passed.  I asked her questions, she tentatively answered.  A half hour passed.  We laughed, we cried.  An hour passed.  We told stories and shared experiences.  Two hours passed.  Two hours!  By the time the HR manager re-entered the room I knew more about this woman than her employer did, and had answers to questions that had been eluding them for years.  I’d given the woman several books, including my own, web sites and phone numbers.

Employers often think that someone who is living with abuse will “just come to them” when they need help.  Some also believe that if they simply ask the victim what’s going on they will just open up and talk.  This employer learned that neither scenario was true.  Victims of abuse have to feel ready to talk and that means on a number of levels, including:

• They have to feel physically safe
• They have to feel you are trustworthy
• They have to feel that talking to you will benefit them and make things better

Managers often ask me, “What if I try and they won’t talk?”  You don’t want to set yourself for the expectation that they will talk the first time.  It may take several attempts over time and can happen gradually.  Maintain patience, continue to express concern for their well-being, and refrain from making judgments.

Human Resource Essential provides comprehensive training to build manager’s competence and emotional intelligence in dealing with victims and perpetrators of abuse.  Workshops include skill practices so managers can work on this ability in a relaxed learning atmosphere – even having fun while discovering how to create a safe and open environment to talk about domestic abuse.

It’s making small changes that have the biggest results.  The “victim” I mentioned?  She’s safely ended the relationship with the abuser and is in counseling.  She’s back to doing her job with the same level of professionalism that has always made her a valued employee and a special person to her co-workers.

domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · Domestic violence training · leadership development · management training · offender · risk · Safety · strategic leadership · victim · violence

Recently on an observation visit to Superior Court, I sat in on another probation violation hearing.  Probably a weird hobby by some people’s standards.  But to me it’s a part of the job, and a lot more interesting than, say, mowing the lawn.  Anyway, the man the Judge was talking to looked scared to death.  An act or the real deal?  I wondered.  He was underweight by about 30 pounds and tattooed from head to toe, definitely a colorful character.  He had a public defender by his side – up until the Judge asked him to sit in the witness stand.

The prosecutor fired away at questions, “Why did you miss your domestic violence counseling sessions”  “I was really sick” “Do you have a doctor’s note to verify you were sick? “ “Uh… no.”  “Why not?” “Uh, I didn’t ask for one.” “Then why didn’t you go to class when you felt better?” “Didn’t have a ride” ”Couldn’t you get transportation?   Etc. etc.  He came up with reason after reason why he just couldn’t make those darn inconvenient classes.  I was pretty impressed at the no baloney stance the prosecutor took.

The judge fell for it.  Was it ‘hook line and sinker” or did the guy really deserve another chance?  I can’t imagine being a judge is an easy job.  And whether it was his second, third, fourth, or tenth chance I don’t know.  But he sure looked relieved.  You could almost see the sweat dry right off him.

I wondered what the prosecutor thought, because it looked, from her face like it goes both ways with some regularity.

I wish I knew where he was ultimately sent for DV classes.  I’d love to know if he followed through or not and is completely them.  Sometimes the discussion in the classes is whether the guys are just spending time; pretending to be into it, or if they really are engaged in the lesson of the day.  It’s not that hard to tell who is and who isn’t after a couple weeks observing them and talking to them.

How many chances would you give someone?  How hard is it to determine if the excuses are sincere or if the person’s blowing smoke? Do you consider yourself to be a good judge of character?

The rules have just changed on how many classes you get to miss. They don’t care about your excuse.  In fact they don’t even want to hear it.

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I’m privileged to be listed on the FVPF web site.  Here’s an article they recently posted.

Good News for Domestic Violence Victims in Health Reform

On March 30, President Obama signed a health reform reconciliation bill, putting the final touches on a new law that offers significant benefits to victims of domestic violence. The new health reform law means that it will soon be illegal for health insurers to deny coverage to victims of domestic violence because they consider their abuse to be a preexisting condition.

Before the legislation was signed, there were no laws prohibiting insurance companies in eight states and the District of Columbia from discriminating against victims by declaring domestic violence, or a medical condition caused by domestic violence, to be a preexisting condition. Domestic violence victims in those states risked being denied health care when they needed it most.

“When this part of the new law takes effect in a few years, victims of domestic violence will be able to talk to their health care providers about the cause of their injuries without fear of losing their health insurance,” said Family Violence Prevention Fund President Esta Soler. “We’ve fought for many years at the state and federal levels for laws that outlaw discrimination on the basis of domestic and sexual violence. We are delighted that lawmakers have now addressed insurance discrimination against victims of domestic violence. We are especially grateful to Congresswoman Lucille Roybal-Allard (D-CA) for championing this provision.”

The bill also includes significant funding for expansion of home visitation programs that provide health care and social supports to pregnant women and new mothers. These programs have demonstrated success in reducing child abuse, and the new legislation expands their capacity to also address domestic violence. The bill also establishes a new grant program to provide intervention and supportive services, including housing, vocation counseling and group counseling, for pregnant women and teens who are victims.

The law names domestic violence as part of the National Prevention and Health Promotion Strategy, an initiative that will set specific goals and objectives over the next five years through federally-supported prevention, health promotion, and public health programs.

In addition, the new health reform law improves access to health care generally, which should result in abused women, children and teens getting better access to services to treat their abuse, and the conditions that result from it, before they worsen.

“For victims of domestic violence, access to health care is critical,” said White House Advisor on Violence Against Women Lynn Rosenthal. “All across the country, this bill will help domestic violence victims get the health care they need. They will not face gender discrimination or lifetime caps on benefits. They will not face the struggle of paying too much for health care while trying to rebuild their lives after suffering domestic violence.”

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that women experience two million injuries from intimate partner violence each year. In the United States in 1995, the cost of intimate partner rape, physical assault and stalking totaled $5.8 billion each year for direct medical and mental health care services and lost productivity from paid work and household chores. When updated to 2003 dollars, the cost is more than $8.3 billion, and that number is significantly higher in 2010 dollars.

Source:http://www.endabuse.org/content/features/detail/1486

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National Crime Victims’ Rights Week (NCVRW) is scheduled for April 18th – 24th.

Take action – log on to find out what you can do in your community.

Throughout the country various activities will take place to acknowledge those that have been victims of crime and promote victim’s rights.

Think about all the types of crimes out there – and how even if you aren’t directly victimized you’re still affected, because we all pay the price.  Here’s the list I came up with – and I’m sure I forgot a few.

Have any to add or any comments?

* Campus Crime

* Child Abuse

* Community Crime

* Dating Violence

* Domestic Violence

* Drunk Driving

* Elder Abuse

* Fraud/Identity Theft

* Hate and Bias Crimes

* Homicide

* Incest or Sexual Abuse

* Missing and Exploited Children

* Physical Assault

* Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

* Random Acts of Violence

* Sexual Assault and Rape

* Stalking

* Terrorism and Mass Violence

* Trafficking in Persons

* Vicarious Traumatization

* Workplace Violence

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Last week I spent a day sitting on probation and parole violation hearings; something I do from time to time.  There never ceases to be a couple winners among the violators.  Take one case for example:  this guy had already racked up convictions for assault, disorderly conduct, DUI, and criminal damages, and six, count ‘em 6, domestic violence offenses.  Quite a resume.

It was a bench hearing, no jury.  So they let him dress for “casual Friday”, on a Tuesday:  Sheriff’s black and white stripes (complete with advertisement “Sheriff’s Inmate” and “Unsentensed”, pink socks, sandals and heavy bracelets – ahem, handcuffs and shackles.

He’d already violated his parole somehow (I didn’t get to hear that part).  But now he was being sentenced again.  In the end, he was given credit for time served, some 2 ½ years and was instructed to attend domestic violence classes for the next 52 weeks (that’s 104 class hours) and finish his probation without a hitch.  Keep your fingers crossed that this has some affect on him.  A positive affect – one that ends this particular career.  His courtroom behavior left me feeling that he was never going to change.  And I really want to have more faith.

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Not long ago an attorney called me about a client company of his.  They had an employee that was dealing with a difficult and abusive relationship; it was affecting her work, her attendance and her co-workers.

The company was at a loss for what to do and had contacted this attorney.   Knowing the dynamics of domestic abuse were beyond his area of comfort and expertise, he contacted me to see if I could help his client.

They had tried to reach out to her, but were somewhat lost as to how to go about it.  Their attempts were cut short by her refusal to talk.  And even after several years in their employment, by HR’s own admission, they knew virtually nothing about her.

The client and I planned for me to meet with their employee.  Understandably she was reluctant to speak to me and quite frankly, a little angry when the HR manager explained my presence.

Having not yet had the opportunity to do management training in this organization, the manager didn’t handle it in the most preferential and effective way; but we agreed that addressing the immediate issue of this woman’s safety would have to come first.

So she and I talked.  Bit by bit she opened up and during the course of the conversation she told me personal bits of information her employer of several years still didn’t know.  She allowed herself to cry in my presence, she read portions of my book Battered and Abused, Bringing the Darkness into the Light, and she even laughed at some lame jokes we made during our talk.  She took additional books and resources I brought for her.  I have a good feeling she’ll use them.

We spent two hours together.  It could have easily been more.  My understanding is that she’s doing pretty well now and is on the road to changing her life.  She’s in counseling and making plans to end the relationship safely.  That’s success.

When the dust settles, and it will soon, the company and I will work together on implementing what I call “the total strategy solutions”, the end to end consulting and training I provide.  But in the meantime it’s been another really rewarding experience to see a person, a family, and a company open that first door and begin walking the road to success.

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MESA — Police found a man lying in wait in his girlfriend’s bathtub shortly after she filed assault charges against him and came home to find her front door kicked in.

When police arrived at 4 a.m. Sun­day, they found slashed couches, bro­ken televisions, and photographs, ta­bles and food strewn all over.

Police found the boyfriend, identi­fied as Eduarrdo Gutierrez, hiding in the bathtub, shower curtain closed.

(Source Az Republic)

That beats the generalization of “acting on impulse all to heck, doesn’t it? This is common; abusers plan what they are going to destroy because they pick what will hurt their target the most i.e. clothes, trophies, books and other property.

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