My Blogathon buddies have been asking questions about abuse in its various forms and what all of us can do about it.  I love that “what can we do about it” mentality because it doesn’t just push this social issue off as someone else’s responsibility.

Bonnie asked about the daughter of a friend who can’t break away from an abusive boyfriend because she doesn’t recognize that she’s being controlled.  That’s all too common a problem; everyone else can see it except the person it’s happening to.  And when you try to tell them about it then you become the “bad guy” and the enemy for trying to steer them away from someone they love.  It often has the very opposite effect of what we want – it steers the victim more into their blindly devoted relationship.  And don’t those controlling, abusive love that?  Absolutely.  It gives them the ammunition to say, “Oh, your friends (family, clergy, etc.) just don’t like me.  They’re trying to make you break up with me.  But you know I’m the best thing that ever happened to you and you’d be nothing without me.”  And a whole lot of other things to that effect.

So here are some things I have available from my workshops with teens called, TIPS (Teens Involved in Personal Safety) that I thought I’d share with you.

Are you going out with someone who…

• Is jealous and possessive, won’t let you have friends, checks up on you, won’t accept breaking up?
• Tries to control you by being bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions, not taking your opinions seriously?
• Puts you down in front of friends, tells you that you would be nothing without him or her?
• Scares you? Makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do? Threatens you? Uses or owns weapons?
• Is violent? Has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, brags about mistreating others? Grabs, pushes, shoves, or hits you?
• Pressures you for sex or is forceful or scary about sex? Gets too serious about the relationship too fast?
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs and pressures you to take them?
• Has a history of failed relationships? and blames the other person for all the problems?
• Makes your family and friends uneasy and concerned for your safety?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you could be the victim of dating abuse. Dating violence or abuse affects one in ten teen couples. Abuse isn’t just hitting. It’s yelling, threatening, name-calling, saying “I’ll kill myself if you leave me”, obsessive phone calling, and extreme possessiveness.

What If You Want Out?

• Tell your parents, a friend, a counselor, a clergyman, or someone else whom you trust and who can help. The more isolated you are from friends and family, the more control the abuser has over you.
• Alert the school counselor or security officer.
• Keep a daily log of the abuse.
• Do not meet your partner alone. Do no let him or her in your home or car when you are alone.
• Avoid being alone at school, your job, on the way to and from places.
• Tell someone where you are going and when you plan to be back.
• Plan and rehearse what you would do if your partner became abusive.

Being a Friend to a Victim of Abuse

Most teens talk to other teens about their problems. If a friend tells you he or she is being victimized, here are some suggestions on how you can help.

• If you notice a friend is in an abusive relationship, don’t ignore signs of abuse. Talk to your friend.
• Express your concerns. Tell your friend you’re worried. Support, don’t judge.
• Point out your friend’s strengths – many people in abusive relationships are no longer capable of seeing their own abilities and gifts.

• Encourage them to confide in a trusted adult. Talk to a trusted adult if you believe the situation is getting worse. Offer to go with them for help.
• Never put yourself in a dangerous situation with the victim’s partner. Don’t be a mediator.
• Call the police if you witness an assault. Tell an adult – a school principal, parent, guidance counselor.

What to do if your friend is in an abusive relationship:

• Tell them it’s not their fault.
• Tell them they don’t deserve it.
• Believe them, and let them know that you do.
• Don’t spread gossip–it could put them in danger.
• Don’t try to make them do anything they don’t want to (it won’t work unless it’s their decision).
• Tell them that they’re not crazy, because they’re going to feel that way.
• Encourage them to build a wide support system– go to a support group, talk to friends and family.
• Don’t blame them for the abuse of their decisions; leaving an abusive relationship is hard and usually takes a long time.
• See if they need medical attention– they may not realize how badly they’re hurt.
• Encourage them to take a self-defense course.
• Give them good information about abuse– you can call your local crisis line and get information and support.

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