“You’ll be lucky if she talks to you for five minutes.” the Human Resource manager told me.  I’d been asked to come meet with an employee who was showing “obvious” signs of abuse and exhibiting behavior changes that were seriously affecting her job performance.

The Human Resource manager and several concerned co-workers had tried numerous times to talk with the woman, but she would clamp up, jaw clenched,  and turn to her work.  That is if she didn’t slam out of the room.

When I was introduced to her she was suspicious and extremely tense.  Her body became noticeably rigid.  But it seemed like there was something drawing her in to stay.  She didn’t turn around and leave. I began to talk.  Five minutes passed.  I asked her questions, she tentatively answered.  A half hour passed.  We laughed, we cried.  An hour passed.  We told stories and shared experiences.  Two hours passed.  Two hours!  By the time the HR manager re-entered the room I knew more about this woman than her employer did, and had answers to questions that had been eluding them for years.  I’d given the woman several books, including my own, web sites and phone numbers.

Employers often think that someone who is living with abuse will “just come to them” when they need help.  Some also believe that if they simply ask the victim what’s going on they will just open up and talk.  This employer learned that neither scenario was true.  Victims of abuse have to feel ready to talk and that means on a number of levels, including:

• They have to feel physically safe
• They have to feel you are trustworthy
• They have to feel that talking to you will benefit them and make things better

Managers often ask me, “What if I try and they won’t talk?”  You don’t want to set yourself for the expectation that they will talk the first time.  It may take several attempts over time and can happen gradually.  Maintain patience, continue to express concern for their well-being, and refrain from making judgments.

Human Resource Essential provides comprehensive training to build manager’s competence and emotional intelligence in dealing with victims and perpetrators of abuse.  Workshops include skill practices so managers can work on this ability in a relaxed learning atmosphere – even having fun while discovering how to create a safe and open environment to talk about domestic abuse.

It’s making small changes that have the biggest results.  The “victim” I mentioned?  She’s safely ended the relationship with the abuser and is in counseling.  She’s back to doing her job with the same level of professionalism that has always made her a valued employee and a special person to her co-workers.

domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · Domestic violence training · leadership development · management training · offender · risk · Safety · strategic leadership · victim · violence

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