Last weekend I was joyfully out taking photos with my Nikon and attached 70-300 “long” lens.  If you’re familiar with this camera and lens combination, you’ll know that the total weight is almost 1 ½ pounds.  About to drive to a new photo op, I got into my driver’s seat, and lifted the camera off from around my neck by the strap.  But it didn’t go.  That lug of a contraption swung back toward my chest and as I lifted the strap I chunked myself right under the chin. It snapped my jaw shut and sent my upper teeth right through my bottom lip.  Aye yi yi! That hurt!  

“Crud!”  O.K., that’s not really what I said, but you get the gist.  I had no time to waste so I sucked it up (blood included) and continued on my journey.  Fortunately, I was headed to an ice rink.  Great! I could get ice on my lip.  No, not from planting myself face down on the skate surface!  I went to concessions and asked for ice in a napkin.  Clearly the vendor had seen his share of rink accidents; he pulled out a baggy instead and filled it up.  Ahh, relief.  I was mortified though.  My lip was swelling and I resembled a cowboy with a mouthful of chewing tobacco.  To my utter horror, the area below my lip was taking on a deep purple hue.  And I had tickets that night to the theater with a four star dinner beforehand.

I readied myself with one liners for each time I had to explain to someone what happened to my lip.  I just knew people would goggle and stare. “What happened to YOU?” they’d say.  I’d hear it over and over again.

But I didn’t.  In the week’s time that it took for the swelling to subside and the bruise to fade, not one person asked how I’d been hurt.  No one asked if I was O.K.  No one said a thing.  Certainly it can’t be because they were worried about embarrassing me more regarding my lack of grace and coordination. 

Ah, the irony. 

In training, I dialogue with managers and employers about the importance of asking if someone is O.K.  The managers and I spend a significant about of time on skill practices and the pros and cons of various dialogues and questions to ask employees.  Like does the person need assistance finding resources, would they like help getting out? People who are victims of abuse need to know someone cares and they are achingly waiting for someone to reach out and offer an ear of concerned listening.

I’m really lucky; it was my own klutziness that decorated my face with a fat lip.  But what if that wasn’t the case?  Go back to my most previous blog Six Steps to Safe Environments to Ask For Help and read up on talking to someone who is a victim of abuse.  It can make a word of difference to someone.

As for me, my lip is healed, but my pride still hurts.  Maybe I should go back to my little pocket camera.

camera · Coaching · collaboration · consulting · depression · domestic abuse · Domestic Violence · domestic violence in the workplace · employees · Nikon · personal safety · team work · training · violence

There were quite a few entrants!  Although, interestingly, they were all female. I thought that was both surprising, and not surprising.  It surprised me because 85% of domestic violence and abuse victims are women.  So it would stand to reason more would want to participate in the contest and submit their views.  This was intended to hear your thoughts on domestic violence in the workplace and personal safety.

But men keep telling me they are not being heard.  Even if a Starbuck’s gift card contest was not high on their list of ways to be heard – it’s still something.  So, frankly, I’m disappointed.  Guys, you were invited to speak up and enter your observations and your thoughts.  It would have taken you the same five minutes it took the women.  We are all busy.   You had your chance.

I’m going to randomly select comments submitted by entrants to include in my newsletter, tweets and my blog.  Because we all benefit from the insights of people whose personal antennae changed to what they saw around them; from news stories, or friends and family members struggling with intimate partner violence as a result of Human Resource Essential’s work.

I wrote all the entrant’s names on same-size slips of paper and drew one out of the bucket.

Dawn Brockman won the $50 Starbucks gift card!  Just in time for pumpkin frappes and peppermint lattes!  Enjoy the card, Dawn, and thank you for participating!

collaboration · conversation · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · relationships · stress in the workplace · team work · violence

When I was a little girl, my older brother, who was always a goofball (just look at that picture will ya!) sometimes pretended to fly like Superman, jumping from couch to chair with a makeshift cape over his shoulders.  I was ten years old the first time I really saw him fly.  That was when my mother’s boyfriend launched him from the living room to the dining room – where he crashed to the floor in a heap.  My brother wasn’t trying to be a superhero, but he was trying to stop this man from hurting our mother.

The boyfriend came and went over the next six years, finally disappearing when I was sixteen. Each time he left my relief was immense. Each time he came back my disappointment was crushing.

My brother and I used to take long walks at night just to get out of the house. I remember one night crunching through snow in five-degree-below-zero weather trying to figure out how we could become emancipated at the ages of twelve and fourteen. Our options looked pretty grim so we dropped the idea and waited for the years to go by till we could be free.

When you’re a kid living with abuse in the home it’s like living on an earth quake’s fault line. You never know when the ground is going to come out from under you. Nothing is safe or secure.  You never know who’s next or what will set it off. You don’t want friends over because something might happen when they’re there.  There’s no one to talk to.  You hold your breath – all the time.  (From my book Battered and Abused, Bringing the Darkness into the Light)

Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children live in constant fear.

Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused. They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent Children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.

Statistics show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.

“Families under stress produce children under stress. If a spouse is being abused and there are children in the home, the children are affected by the abuse.” (Ackerman and Pickering, 1989)

Research shows without question that children will react in different ways.  Variables are due to the child’s gender, age, what they witnessed, if there was someone giving them appropriate love and support, and other factors.  Still children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop social, emotional, psychological and or behavioral problems than those who aren’t.  They experience, lower self-esteem, depression, health issues, growth and development problems.  They may avoid going to school, and once there are often too distracted to do well.  Interviews with teachers have indicated that they are often spending significant time with children with these issues, to the detriment of the other students.

When employers provide resources, support systems and counseling services to their workforce they do a tremendous service to their employees to show they care.  Since often times the workplace is the only possible source of information for an employee who’s every action is monitored by a controlling partner, you can imagine how great it is to be able to find resources for help at the workplace.

Employers who have a qualified Employee Assistance Provider (EAP) in house, or on contract, prove to their employees that they aren’t just blowing smoke in terms of being employee friendly.  They’re walking the talk.  And it comes back to them tenfold in a loyal workforce.  That’s when the employer is the real superhero.

collaboration · company · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · family · instincts · lawsuit · leadership development · legal · management · training

The other day I attended a county-wide domestic violence summit.  Attendees included law enforcement, prosecutors, advocates, social workers, shelter representatives and more.  We had a day to brainstorm ideas focusing on what we could do collaboratively to end domestic violence in Maricopa County.

For once it was a really stimulating day.  Ideas were swapped and notes were taken.  We even got a chance to see each other artistic abilities when we wrote notes and pictures on the paper table cloths with colored markers.

We talked about other cities and counties around the U.S. that we’d heard about that had really successful multi-disciplinary plans: what makes them successful and what sustains them?

My favorite part was the networking.  There really aren’t that many opportunities for folks in different aspects of domestic violence work to collaborate and to just talk.  I actually suggested that in the future we have an expo-type event and all we do is exchange information and network without a specific agenda.  Because one of the best way to get people to collaborate and to get victims and offenders into the right resources is when the resource providers really know each other and what’s out there that we can offer.  There’s so much more than we even know about.  For example: a great many of us didn’t know that NextCare® urgent care centers offers free medical treatment to DV victims.  How great is that?  I believe they have to be referred by a shelter.  I couldn’t find any specific information on their website.

It’s going to really be interesting to see what comes of this and what the next steps are.  Can Maricopa County develop one of the most recognized initiatives in the United States?  I’m willing to bet we can, and as the only person at the summit whose expertise and life’s work is to activate business involvement, this will be a really great time to see this “cold” and “taboo” topic become hotter and break all the barriers of silence.

bottom line · business · Coaching · collaboration · company · conflict · consulting · conversation · costs · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · lawsuit · leadership development · legal · management · offender · Personal Safety · relationships · risk · strategic leadership · team work · training · victim · victim’s rights · violence

When I first began to read this news brief I was concerned.  I thought, “what about cases of domestic violence?”  But they addressed it in the end.  Read on:

Panel OKs Bill to Extend Divorce Waiting Period

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My friend, Beth Terry, has a new blog called http://www.Faceitdarlin.com with a friend or hers.  One of the readers, Janey, asked if there was a way she could tell if a boyfriend was abusive.

Beth had some really great information in her answer to Janey and I added comments on her blog of my own.

Among the things that I tell people during the trainings that I do is that these indicators may not show up for a while.  Everyone one is different and the cues are typically very, very subtle.  Controlling behavior may be as simple as the abuser giving a lot of gifts of clothes or jewelry and expecting you to always wear them, so that over time you can no longer choose what you want to wear without it being an issue with them.  As stated above, they may dictate you who can hang out with; expecting you to be at their beck and call all the time.

They make excuses for their behavior and explain it away and justify it.  Often blaming you for “causing” it.  There are many ways to be abusive and we need to remember that emotional abuse is a serious problem as well as physical abuse.

Too many people say things like, “Yeah…but he never hits me…”

Emotional abuse also precedes physical abuse because of its escalating nature.

Trust your instincts.  If this relationship doesn’t feel good and right in every way it’s not the relationship to stay in.

Here are some additional resources regarding abusive relationships.

I have tons of other resources if Janey wants to contact me.

Read on for more info:

Are you going out with someone who…

•           Is jealous and possessive, won’t let you have friends, checks up on you, won’t accept breaking up?

•           Tries to control you by being bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions, not taking your opinions seriously?

•           Puts you down in front of friends, tells you that you would be nothing without him or her?

•           Scares you? Makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do? Threatens you? Uses or owns weapons?

•           Is violent? Has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, brags about mistreating others? Grabs, pushes, shoves, or hits you?

•           Pressures you for sex or is forceful or scary about sex? Gets too serious about the relationship too fast?

•           Abuses alcohol or other drugs and pressures you to take them?

•           Has a history of failed relationships? and blames the other person for all the problems?

•           Makes your family and friends uneasy and concerned for your safety?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you could be the victim of dating abuse. Dating violence or abuse affects one in ten teen couples. Abuse isn’t just hitting. It’s yelling, threatening, name-calling, saying “I’ll kill myself if you leave me”, obsessive phone calling, and extreme possessiveness.

What If You Want Out?

•           Tell your parents, a friend, a counselor, a clergyman, or someone else whom you trust and who can help. The more isolated you are from friends and family, the more control the abuser has over you.

•           Alert the school counselor or security officer.

•           Keep a daily log of the abuse.

•           Do not meet your partner alone. Do not let him or her in your home or car when you are alone.

•           Avoid being alone at school, your job, on the way to and from places.

•           Tell someone where you are going and when you plan to be back.

•           Plan and rehearse what you would do if your partner became abusive.

A helpful resource:

Family Violence Prevention Fund http://endabuse.org/

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE   Contacts: Rita Smith 303-839-1852 ext. 105

February 10, 2010                 Kathleen Russell 415-250-1180

Family Courts Implicated in Infants’ Murders

Two Young Boys Killed by Two Divorcing Dads in Past 10 Days

Points to Massive System Failure

SAN RAFAEL- National and local advocacy groups are expressing outrage over what has become a disturbing national trend of divorcing Dads killing their children and themselves. 8-month-old baby Bekm was shot and killed by his father, Nicholas Bacon, in Meridian, Idaho just 48 hours ago, while 9-month-old baby Wyatt was killed by his father Stephen Garcia just ten days ago in San Bernardino County. Details are still emerging about the tragic Idaho murder-suicide of baby Bekm on Monday night.

In the Garcia case, three different judges refused multiple requests by the child’s mother for restraining orders to protect her child, despite police reports and documented death threats by the father in text messages and on Facebook.

“The system failed Wyatt Garcia and Katie Tagle,’’ said California Assemblymember Jim Beall, Jr., the lead sponsor of Assembly Bill 612, which aims to prevent the use of non-scientific theories in California family courts. “Wyatt’s tragic death was completely avoidable.

”

Numerous sources report a significant spike in murder suicides across the country by violent fathers who kill their children and themselves, frequently after mothers’ requests for protection of their children are denied by family court judges. In addition, the Leadership Council on Child Abuse & Interpersonal Violence estimates that more than 58,000 children per year in America are ordered by family courts into unsupervised contact with physically or sexually abusive parents following divorce.

“The time has come for us as a society to speak out and put a stop to this growing national body count. Across the country, women and children are being killed because of judges’ personal biases and junk science that tells them to disbelieve women’s legitimate claims and evidence of abuse,” said Rita Smith, the Executive Director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

According to court transcripts and eyewitness accounts, judges reacted with disbelief when mother Katie Tagle presented them with evidence of death threats against her son by the father.

Judge David Mazurek stated, “I get concerned when there’s a pending child custody and visitation issue and in between that, one party or the other claims that there’s some violence in between. It raises the court’s eyebrows because based on my experience, it’s a way for one party to try to gain an advantage over the other,” he said.

“This attitude permeates the courts, that women are lying about the danger they are in,” said Kathleen Russell from the Center for Judicial Excellence. “This attitude causes judges to ignore tangible evidence of death threats and abuse. The abusers’ lobby has convinced judges that shared custody is always the answer, and sadly, this case points out how deadly that approach can be,” she said.

According to a family member who was in the courtroom when Ms. Tagle last sought protection for her son, the judge reportedly said, “One of you is lying, and I think it’s you,” while pointing at Katie. Transcripts from this hearing are not yet available.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Center for Judicial Excellence are part of a growing national advocacy movement to educate the public as well as litigants, lawmakers, judges, and social service providers about the need for comprehensive family court reform. The Center for Judicial Excellence and their allies worked with California State Senator Mark Leno and others to pass an audit request through the state legislature last July. The California State Auditor is currently investigating the use of court appointees in family courts because of growing evidence that children are being harmed there. The California Legislature is slated to consider additional family court reform bills being presented by the Center and the California Protective Parents Association in the coming months.

“We must assess what’s happening in our family courts, and that’s why I’ve requested a state audit to take a hard look at the performance and effectiveness of the family court system,’’ said Assemblymember Beall.

The State Auditor’s report about the California Family Courts has an expected release date of June 2010.

***************

NCADV – The Mission of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) is to organize for collective power by advancing transformative work, thinking and leadership of communities and individuals working to end the violence in our lives.

CJE - The Center for Judicial Excellence (CJE) was established to improve the judiciary’s public accountability and strengthen and maintain the integrity of the courts. CJE has made a special commitment to protect the rights of children and other vulnerable populations in the courts.

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bottom line · business · Coaching · collaboration · company · conflict · consulting · conversation · costs · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · lawsuit · leadership development · legal · management · offender · Personal Safety · relationships · risk · strategic leadership · team work · training · victim · victim’s rights · violence

I came across this blog which I thought was very well written.  I agree with the facts stated as well.  One thing we have to note is while the article is called “Why Do So Many Men Die as a Result of Domestic Violence?”  What we’re looking at and need to address is “why do so many people die as a result of domestic violence?  That’s the problem as far as I’m concerned.

Read the article.  There are also some interesting comments and debates going on in that post.

bottom line · business · Coaching · collaboration · company · conflict · consulting · conversation · costs · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · lawsuit · leadership development · legal · management · offender · Personal Safety · relationships · risk · strategic leadership · team work · training · victim · victim’s rights · violence

I started today out with an early meeting with a potential client; an alliance partner actually.  We discussed working together to bring the Human Resource Essential Total Solution Package to his organization and then extend it to their clients.

This business man gets it.  His responsibility is in finance and he’s forward-thinking enough to want something value-added for his clients.  Win-win-win.

Within four hours he followed up to schedule another meeting with myself and his HR and Strategic partnership team. This is how each of these great alliances starts: one step at a time – how great it that?

business · Coaching · collaboration · consulting · Domestic Violence · domestic violence at work · personal safety · strategic leadership · team work