Human Resource Essential Blog
Making Workplaces that are Safe, Supportive and Sought-After

TAG | domestic violence at work

Hello Readers!

Happy New Year to all!

Prior to trainings and speaking engagements I’ve never had a change to engage in dialogue with upcoming attendees.  That changed in January when I prepared for a presentation to a chapter of Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM).  I created a short questionnaire that attendees could answer online and then incorporated the data received into the presentation.  An amazing 87 people responded to the survey!  Many, many of them also submitted essay type questions and it wasn’t possible to answer all of them during the presentation.

My offer to them, and to you, is that in my blogs I will answer a question with a short audio or video recording.  You’ll see the question; then click the recording.

Here’s one:

What do you do if both victim and offender work for the same company?

Click on this video length 3:44 min

 3:44 minutes

3:44 minutes

Or click:

I’m always happy to talk with you about improving your workplace violence initiative.  Just give me a call at (480) 726-9833 or send an email to  Call today! I look forward to hearing from you!


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I have the pleasure of going back to my early roots in human resources training for two new clients to do workshops on communication in the workplace.  I love my work in workplace violence and domestic violence, yet having this change-of-pace is fun and refreshing.  Everyone likes to switch up their work every now and then!

There’s a segment in the training where we have a robust conversation about barriers to communication.  We separate barriers by category and pick them apart for deeper discussion.

One of the segments is Personal Pressures.  And guess what? Now we have an overlap again.  An element, and an important one, in being able to communicate with someone – and their ability to receive your message, is if they’re dealing with violence and abuse at home.  If they are, their ability to be receptive is greatly reduced.

The “noise” in the head of a victim of abuse is like having a conversation with someone while standing under a hovering helicopter.  The din is impossible.  It’s not that the recipient doesn’t want to hear your message.  They just can’t.  Priorities – like staying alive, take precedence.

Training is a crucial way to cut through the “noise”.  It has to be the right training.  How do you get your message across so that the person hears you, trusts you, and knows that you can relate, if not on a personal level – at least on an empathetic level.  Until you can do that correctly and effectively you are only going to add to the mental clutter.  You may even add to fear and humiliation and find that your employee distances her, or himself, from you and others in your organization.

This is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  What have you done in your workplace to recognize and prevent abuse?

At Human Resource Essential, my partners and I are honored that our work increases emotional intelligence of management, HR and supervisors in effective tools for recognizing and assisting employees who may be victims, or offenders, of abuse.  Knocking down one barrier at a time.

Would you like to know more about this? I’m always happy to talk with you about improving communication at your workplace.  Just give me a call at (480) 726-9833 or send an email to I’d love to hear from you.

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I Have a Question


I have a question.  They say the only dumb question is the question not asked – so I’ll ask mine.

Will the Grand Jury in the Ferguson shooting death of Michael Brown get to ask questions about Police Officer Darren Wilson’s home life and back story?  Because, it’s important.  Time and again following an act of workplace violence people say the assailant “just snapped”, and why did he/she snap?  Wouldn’t it be fair to at least ask the question here?  What’s the back story?  What was going on in the officer’s life?

When I wrote the book Serrated I was stunned to learn how much vital information was with-held from the Jury.  How were they really supposed to make an informed decision?  Well, they couldn’t, and didn’t, because it was all predicated on them learning only selected bits of information.  So again I ask: Will the Grand Jury get to ask questions about Police Officer Darren Wilson’s home life and back story?  Just asking.


I’m always happy to talk with you about improving your workplace violence initiative.  Just give me a call at (480) 726-9833 or send an email to I’d love to hear from you.

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Adult learners

It’s a strong belief of mine that domestic violence training should be mandatory.  I know mandatory is a strong word, but is there really any other for ensuring all of your employees attend?  It’s the only way to get everyone in the company “on the same page” and ensuring that your organization adopts a corporate culture of like-minded people who prevent and shun domestic violence.

The legal penalties of ineffective or ignored employee relations issues like domestic violence,  and domestic abuse can be substantial and it’s like asking for bad PR.  Why would any business do that?

In addition, it’s the only way to get the people in the room that really need to hear the message; otherwise you have folks that are afraid they’ll be “outed” by their very presence. That’s why it’s so important to me to do this work.

I know a lot of speakers and trainers who would be upset – even cancel training if they found out that the 50 expected attendees turned into six.  I’m not that way.  Would I like 50 in the room?  Of course.  A  recent training I had, which was communicated as “optional”, was to publicized 50 staff members.  Six showed up.  And you know what? That was OK.

We had six people in the room who were the best, most interested, most involved, most fun and most inspirational six participants a facilitator could ask for.

You never know who’s living with family violence.  My belief is that if you reach even one person – and make a change in their life, you’ve accomplished something.  On that day I know I did with six.  They were involved in the group exercises and discussion and weren’t afraid to open up about the tough stuff and “find the funny” in the good stuff.

Quite simply that’s what I’m all about. I make the business case for tackling domestic violence spillover to the workplace.  I eliminate the taboos and stigmas for managers and employees to deal with this social problem, and create workplaces that are Safe, Supportive and Sought-After.

I’m always happy to talk with you about improving the way your company address domestic violence.  Just give me a call at (480) 726-9833 or send an email to I’d love to hear from you.

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What Can, and Does Happen

A few days ago I received a call from a Human Resource Director who urgently needed help and advice with an employee situation that was escalating quickly. The employee was missing work, bruised when she was there, and her spouse was threatening co-worker’s and demanding information of his wife’s whereabouts and schedule.  I guided her through dynamics, processes, legalities and options.  Then offered her suggestions and advantages to have an individualized, customized complete domestic violence program for their organization now.  She said management wouldn’t go for it, “They’d rather wait until something happens.”

“It already has.” I told them.  Still, the employee’s unproductive missed time, cost for injuries, personal stress level and anxiety to the workplace isn’t enough.  They apparently would rather wait until she’s dead too.

This happens on a regular basis.  How do these people stop the reactionary mindset? What is the point of doing a program after-the-fact in the honor of the dead?

Having said that, it’s always a good time to address the issue.  My favorite clients are the ones that know the reality is that they don’t have to actually see evidence of a problem, they are realistic, preventive and proactive.

This is a painful reminder of what can, and does happen.

Want to know more or know somebody who might be interested in  my services?

Please contact me via phone 480-726-9833 or just reply to this post.


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tcp_0237 for blog

People who’ve had conversations with me often hear me say, “I live, sleep, eat, breathe domestic violence”.  Meaning it’s what I do.

Ha!  Thought you caught me- silly people!  It’s not what I do.  I don’t perpetrated  it!  It’s what I do, what I am, and what I have a passion for as a Consultant Subject Matter Expert – SME.

Even in company Train the Trainer situations the trained individual will lack the in-depth, expertise, knowledge and experience of the SME.  Worse yet, they may have personal biases to the issue.  They may not be able to answer challenging questions or handle uncomfortable situations.  Their facts and statistics may be out of date; all of which may be reflected in the training itself, the outcome for attendees and long term results for the company.

To bring, or keep, an in-house trainer up-to-speed will cost time and money that detracts from their regular duties. All of that is moot when you bring in an SME whose career is based on:

  • being a problem solver to make an immediate impact with minimal ramp-up time,
  • lowers the client’s risk by conveying correct information,
  • is a valuable information resource and provides a wealth of knowledge and support to clients,
  • may serve as liaison to the functional area from which they obtained their expertise or adjacent resources and industries (i.e. Human Resource Essential’s long-term relationships with EAPs, attorneys and shelters),
  • an SME will have strong expertise in one or more areas directly related to their subject,
  • SMEs are often the “go to” people for assistance and up-to-date information on policies, processes, and critical incidents – for example, our clients are comfortable, and even prefer, their employees contact us directly for information and a place to voice personal issues.

Do you expect your in-house trainer to live, sleep, eat, and breathe domestic violence?

SMEs have a passion for their work.  When it comes to something as emotionally demanding as domestic violence – how the material is conveyed will make a significant difference in the outcome.

I’m always happy to talk with you about improving your domestic violence initiative.  Just give me a call at (480) 726-9833 or send an email to I’d love to hear from you.

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To my readers:  I have the humbling privilege to know Dr. Maria Garay, Sojourner Center’s new Executive Director.  Together we are creating energizing, meaningful initiatives to address relationship violence.  Recently Sojourner published a newsletter to introduce Maria to the community and she has generously allowed me to post her newsletter for you.


Dear Friends & Supporters,

My name is Dr. Maria Garay and I am so excited to be joining the Sojourner Center team as the new Executive Director. I come to Phoenix from Los Angeles, CA and have been working at the executive level for the past twenty years in the human services field. I have been at Sojourner Center since the beginning of September and can already see how special and amazing this place is. I am honored to be a part of this wonderful organization, with its rich history and mission of helping women and children overcome the impact of domestic violence.

You see, ending the cycle of domestic violence is something I am very passionate about. While this is a multi-faceted problem without an easy or clear solution, I believe Sojourner Center has and is ending the cycle of violence for the women and children we serve. I believe you can help us break the cycle of violence too, by talking about this issue and the work we are doing, with your friends, family, and coworkers. A recent study revealed that despite 80% of Americans acknowledging that domestic violence is a problem in our society, only 15% think it is a problem among their friends. We know this can’t be true, since studies show 1-in-4 women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime.

This widespread silence is a problem for many reasons. First, it makes domestic violence victims feel isolated and alone. Second, the silence perpetuates the shame and embarrassment that domestic violence victims might feel. Third, by not talking about it, people don’t always know how to recognize abuse or how to help someone who is being abused.

Let’s break the silence about domestic violence and make it easier for victims to get the help and support they need.

I also want to make sure you know about two very important numbers. The first is easy to remember, 2-1-1. This is a 24-hour bilingual hotline that will connect people in crisis with domestic violence and homeless shelters throughout Arizona. The second is 602-244-0089, this is Sojourner Center’s 24-hour crisis line. We are available day or night to talk to anyone who may be in crisis have questions about domestic violence, or need help planning how to leave an abusive relationship. I hope you will put these numbers in a safe place where you can find them and share them if you ever need to.

Thank you all for your continued support and partnership with this amazing organization. Together, we can end the cycle of domestic violence for every woman and child we serve.




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It sounds horribly morbid, I know, to think of domestic violence victims as the walking dead.  But with October being domestic violence awareness month and the month we celebrate Halloween, I couldn’t help but think of how the two collide.

Like some evil witches brew; domestic violence boils and bubbles- and eventually spillover.

Someone close to me, Lynn R. once wrote in her journal about the unshakable feeling that one day he’d kill her.  Where Zombies are already dead and still walking, she was walking and felt already dead.  The Walking Dead

The eerie, haunted, hunted, feeling of his eyes always on her.

To the outside world- and to his friends, family, coworkers and employer, he was candy sweet.  But it was a costume- a masquerade.  Towards her he was a monster, the Grim Reaper waiting to trick her once again behind his devilish disguise.

Halloween also marks a time for Superheroes – and you can be one.  Help recognize offenders.  Call them out of their ghastly behavior.  Shine a flashlight in their face.  Direct them out of the fog and into resources for offenders.  Out of the darkness and into the light.


**Characteristics of a Potential Batterer
• Jealousy
• Controlling behavior
• Quick involvement
• Unrealistic expectations
• Isolation of victim
• Blames others for his problems
• Blames others for his feelings
• Hypersensitivity
• Cruelty to animals or children
• “Playful” use of force during sex
• Verbal abuse
• Rigid sex roles
• Jekyll and Hyde type personality • History of past battering
• Threats of violence
• Breaking or striking objects
• Any force during an argument
• Objectification of women
• Tight control over finances
• Minimization of the violence
• Manipulation through guilt
• Extreme highs and lows
• Expects her to follow his orders
• Frightening rage
• Use of physical force
• Closed mindedness


**Excerpt from Make Your Workplace Safe, Supportive and Sought-After Includes pages of cues to look for, discussion tips and more.

Batterer/Offender Resources:


I’m always happy to talk with you about improving your domestic violence initiative.  Just give me a call at (480) 726-9833 or send an email to I’d love to hear from you.

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Had an Eeyore Day Lately?


Carl Mangold and I were talking the other day about our webinars and projects for TheDVU and I asked him if he was going to attend the meeting for a committee I’m on.  He wasn’t, and he expressed his opinions about the interpersonal problems with the committee and why he won’t participate.

I couldn’t help but agree with him – I’d recently had my own experience which left me – to say the least, disappointed.

The group is made up mostly of law enforcement, attorneys, advocates, and social workers.  People whose primary expertise is to help others – particularly those that have been hurt and affected by domestic violence.  There are years and years of combined experience in the group.

But a few months ago I attended a meeting on a particularly bad day.  Thankfully, I’m not a victim of physical or emotional abuse.  But everyone has bad days sometimes.  Days where family difficulties or problems at work can be more than just nuisances and inconveniences; they can be immensely stressful.  And I was having one of those days.

Let me be clear, I don’t walk around wearing my heart on my sleeve and doing my best Eeyore imitation.  Eeyore, you might remember, is the gloomy discontented donkey from “Winnie the Pooh”.   I’m a pretty happy person; I just wake up that way.  This particular day had taken a turn and I know it was hovering over me.  I’m not proud of it – but who hasn’t had that at one time or another?

So as much as I participated in the meeting; offering suggestions and sharing in the conversations, I know I wasn’t my usual ‘me’.  And yet not one of these people said a word.

I even reassured myself that, surely, one of these people, who’d known me for years, would stop me for a private conversation on our way out the door, call me or email me…something…

But nada, zip, zero.  Ever.

At the risk of being accused off complaining (some would call it “venting”- thank you) I am simply stating that this is a case where the opportunity for these people to exercise Emotional Intelligence (EI) was completely missed.  What a shame.  If they missed it with me, how many other people do they miss it with?  Are they only looking for it in the people who come right up to them; that are dropped off in taxis and police cars? It honestly made me see these people a little differently. I was disappointed.  They all have a huge place in my heart and I like working with them on this committee.  That hasn’t changed.

Please keep your open for opportunities to help – to reach out to other people.  Raise you antennae to the subtleties around you.  It will pay off in ways you could never predict.  What you do matters.  The companies that have taken advantage of Human Resource Essential  EI based trainings know it.  Even Eeyore has been known to smile.

Surely Carl and I aren’t the only two people this has ever happened to.  Has it happened to you?  Have you had an Eeyore Day Lately?



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So proud of client SCF Arizona

for heading off a potential DV issue.  A recent conversation with Bobbie J. Fox, SCF Attorney, Legal Compliance and Risk Management, revealed that a female employee was having serious concerns with a former intimate partner.  The partner (IP) was harassing her and threatening her at her second job.  The employee obtained an Order of Protection and per SCF Domestic Violence Policy, she notified the Human Resources Department.  HR took the matter seriously and made sure small, but simple steps were taken to assure the employee’s safety.  And then…nothing.  The GOOD kind of nothing.

The employee had no further problems with the former boyfriend.  All was, and is quiet at SCF.

That’s exactly what you want. Training works!  My training programs lead with phrase: ‘Small changes at work make big changes at home’.  This is an example of that and how successful a broad spectrum DV initiate at work can be when everyone is trained annually for their level of responsibility. And when you have a corporate culture, like SCF does, where the executives lead by example and embrace the knowledge that you can make a workplace that is safe, supportive and sought-after.

I came across the following portion of an online newsletter from the Minnesota Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

Fear has a profound effect on all of us. It affects our ability to concentrate and be productive. But a victim’s fear is particularly unique and profound. It is frequently misunderstood not only by males, but by other females who have had no similar personal experiences. As a result, a woman may be reluctant to report a threat or an attack. She may be unwilling to leave an abusive relationship because she fears her risk will increase. If the incident is reported at work, she may fear the loss of her job, or pressure from peers or her boss to take action which she is not yet ready to take. Or perhaps she fears the unknown – how the employer will react to a threat that may impact the workplace. The more effective a company is in creating an environment where a victim feels safe to report problems, the more successful it will be in learning about these types of risks before there are violent outcomes.

Addressing domestic violence in the workplace does not have to be accompanied by a large budget. Safety precautions may be as simple as allowing a victim to use flexible hours so her arrivals and departures are not predictable; providing a temporary cellular phone to increase her safety as she travels back and forth to work; temporarily transferring her to a different office site; or simply having emergency procedures in place in the event a situation escalates.

Every organization has an opportunity to make a difference by:

  • Taking a clear and loud stand on the side of preventing domestic violence at work and in our homes and communities.
  • Paying attention to warning signs of victims and perpetrators.
  • Being supportive of victims or co-workers who report threats.
  • Referring victims and co-workers to counseling agencies for help.
  • Creating an environment that encourages people to come forward with concerns.
  • Treating every situation seriously and taking actions that may reduce risk in the workplace.



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