Last weekend I was joyfully out taking photos with my Nikon and attached 70-300 “long” lens.  If you’re familiar with this camera and lens combination, you’ll know that the total weight is almost 1 ½ pounds.  About to drive to a new photo op, I got into my driver’s seat, and lifted the camera off from around my neck by the strap.  But it didn’t go.  That lug of a contraption swung back toward my chest and as I lifted the strap I chunked myself right under the chin. It snapped my jaw shut and sent my upper teeth right through my bottom lip.  Aye yi yi! That hurt!  

“Crud!”  O.K., that’s not really what I said, but you get the gist.  I had no time to waste so I sucked it up (blood included) and continued on my journey.  Fortunately, I was headed to an ice rink.  Great! I could get ice on my lip.  No, not from planting myself face down on the skate surface!  I went to concessions and asked for ice in a napkin.  Clearly the vendor had seen his share of rink accidents; he pulled out a baggy instead and filled it up.  Ahh, relief.  I was mortified though.  My lip was swelling and I resembled a cowboy with a mouthful of chewing tobacco.  To my utter horror, the area below my lip was taking on a deep purple hue.  And I had tickets that night to the theater with a four star dinner beforehand.

I readied myself with one liners for each time I had to explain to someone what happened to my lip.  I just knew people would goggle and stare. “What happened to YOU?” they’d say.  I’d hear it over and over again.

But I didn’t.  In the week’s time that it took for the swelling to subside and the bruise to fade, not one person asked how I’d been hurt.  No one asked if I was O.K.  No one said a thing.  Certainly it can’t be because they were worried about embarrassing me more regarding my lack of grace and coordination. 

Ah, the irony. 

In training, I dialogue with managers and employers about the importance of asking if someone is O.K.  The managers and I spend a significant about of time on skill practices and the pros and cons of various dialogues and questions to ask employees.  Like does the person need assistance finding resources, would they like help getting out? People who are victims of abuse need to know someone cares and they are achingly waiting for someone to reach out and offer an ear of concerned listening.

I’m really lucky; it was my own klutziness that decorated my face with a fat lip.  But what if that wasn’t the case?  Go back to my most previous blog Six Steps to Safe Environments to Ask For Help and read up on talking to someone who is a victim of abuse.  It can make a word of difference to someone.

As for me, my lip is healed, but my pride still hurts.  Maybe I should go back to my little pocket camera.

camera · Coaching · collaboration · consulting · depression · domestic abuse · Domestic Violence · domestic violence in the workplace · employees · Nikon · personal safety · team work · training · violence

There were quite a few entrants!  Although, interestingly, they were all female. I thought that was both surprising, and not surprising.  It surprised me because 85% of domestic violence and abuse victims are women.  So it would stand to reason more would want to participate in the contest and submit their views.  This was intended to hear your thoughts on domestic violence in the workplace and personal safety.

But men keep telling me they are not being heard.  Even if a Starbuck’s gift card contest was not high on their list of ways to be heard – it’s still something.  So, frankly, I’m disappointed.  Guys, you were invited to speak up and enter your observations and your thoughts.  It would have taken you the same five minutes it took the women.  We are all busy.   You had your chance.

I’m going to randomly select comments submitted by entrants to include in my newsletter, tweets and my blog.  Because we all benefit from the insights of people whose personal antennae changed to what they saw around them; from news stories, or friends and family members struggling with intimate partner violence as a result of Human Resource Essential’s work.

I wrote all the entrant’s names on same-size slips of paper and drew one out of the bucket.

Dawn Brockman won the $50 Starbucks gift card!  Just in time for pumpkin frappes and peppermint lattes!  Enjoy the card, Dawn, and thank you for participating!

collaboration · conversation · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · relationships · stress in the workplace · team work · violence

Cullen Hightower said, “A true measure of your worth includes all the benefits others have gained from your success. “ and I think that is such appropriate response to the number of people who are tied up with what measurement can be taken from domestic violence in the workplace training and consulting.  I have long ago realized that most CEOs and CFOs need to know what will benefit the business bottom line.  So when I talk with them I not only give them national statistics on the business costs of domestic violence; but I give them calculations in 11 different areas from their own workplace.  So if I’m talking with five different companies in one week – that’s five different sets of calculations; they are unique to that organization.

Sometimes an executive really doesn’t care about the numbers; they care about the people first, and that’s really, really cool.  But if numbers matter, I have the information.

What it took me a while to realize was that not one client has asked to measure the ROI after our work – they’re happy enough with what they see as positive and ongoing changes at the organization.  They know from communication with management and staff that employees are going to the prepped and trained management or human resource domestic violence designees when they need help, resources or someone to talk to.

So at the end of the day if they are going to measure for their work in addressing domestic violence in the workplace the “measurable results” are the results they want in improved skills and experience across their leadership team to keep the workplace safe, complaint and productive.

Wouldn’t you call that success?

bottom line · business · Coaching · conversation · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · management · team work · training · violence

A few weeks ago we decided to retile our house.  The original tile was 16 years old, out of date and the grout discolored.  We chose 24×24 pure white porcelain.  Gorgeous.

The tile crew came an busted out thousands of square feet of original tile leaving shards everywhere and buying us under an inch of dust that managed to get by the carefully placed plastic sheeting they hung between all the rooms.

In a half hour four men had completely removed the entire tile that had made our home so beautiful for 16 years, swept the floor and scraped off old thin set to ready the floor for the new tile.  Which didn’t come.

When the delivery truck showed up an hour or so later the entire load was the wrong tile.  Something café o’ lait brown that didn’t belong within a 100 yards of my house.  Calls were made, mistakes were discussed, and o tile was to be had.  It would be a week before the correct order was located and delivered.  In the meantime we wore tennis shoes 24/7 and didn’t know what to clean or put back where it belonged.  The refrigerator was still in the family room (which some people thought was “umber” convenient when they were watching TV.

It was a lesson learned as far as I was concerned.  I would never dismantle, remove, paint primer over or any other construction like prep without having the new material on hand and verified.  It could have been done with the tile but they were so certain they’d have the right material delivered – and we had o trust them.

It was parallel, in my mind, to all the companies that do domestic violence awareness training without properly preparing and training their staff – or at least specific designees.

To be effective, and not have it come back to haunt you, you need to have management training that specifically addresses domestic violence in the workplace – its home based spill over to your work environment, and how the organization will effectively and legally address it.

It’s about being legally compliant while blending the human being with business practices™.  Rather than be afraid that there might be a spike in reports of domestic abuse, and the accompanying requests for help, your organization can be fully educated and prepared to reach out and offer help in a private manner that could mitigate the frequency and severity of abuse your employee suffers.

It’s not so easy to get organization to the conversation about how this is done and why you want to do it.  But time and again has proven, once you get them to hear you they are grateful for the knowledge a surprised at how easy it really is once you have the help of a subject matter expert.

I really like to answer questions about the process and love that part of the conversation – even when it’s via blogging.  So please ask and let’s talk about it.  What would you like to know about the process of having your workplace prepared for helping employees with domestic violence issues before they show up at the work place?  And before it’s set in stone.

domestic violence in the workplace · management training · stress in the workplace · team work · training · violence

The other day I attended a county-wide domestic violence summit.  Attendees included law enforcement, prosecutors, advocates, social workers, shelter representatives and more.  We had a day to brainstorm ideas focusing on what we could do collaboratively to end domestic violence in Maricopa County.

For once it was a really stimulating day.  Ideas were swapped and notes were taken.  We even got a chance to see each other artistic abilities when we wrote notes and pictures on the paper table cloths with colored markers.

We talked about other cities and counties around the U.S. that we’d heard about that had really successful multi-disciplinary plans: what makes them successful and what sustains them?

My favorite part was the networking.  There really aren’t that many opportunities for folks in different aspects of domestic violence work to collaborate and to just talk.  I actually suggested that in the future we have an expo-type event and all we do is exchange information and network without a specific agenda.  Because one of the best way to get people to collaborate and to get victims and offenders into the right resources is when the resource providers really know each other and what’s out there that we can offer.  There’s so much more than we even know about.  For example: a great many of us didn’t know that NextCare® urgent care centers offers free medical treatment to DV victims.  How great is that?  I believe they have to be referred by a shelter.  I couldn’t find any specific information on their website.

It’s going to really be interesting to see what comes of this and what the next steps are.  Can Maricopa County develop one of the most recognized initiatives in the United States?  I’m willing to bet we can, and as the only person at the summit whose expertise and life’s work is to activate business involvement, this will be a really great time to see this “cold” and “taboo” topic become hotter and break all the barriers of silence.

bottom line · business · Coaching · collaboration · company · conflict · consulting · conversation · costs · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · lawsuit · leadership development · legal · management · offender · Personal Safety · relationships · risk · strategic leadership · team work · training · victim · victim’s rights · violence

When I first began to read this news brief I was concerned.  I thought, “what about cases of domestic violence?”  But they addressed it in the end.  Read on:

Panel OKs Bill to Extend Divorce Waiting Period

bottom line · business · Coaching · collaboration · company · conflict · consulting · conversation · costs · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · lawsuit · leadership development · legal · management · offender · Personal Safety · relationships · risk · strategic leadership · team work · training · victim · victim’s rights · violence

My friend, Beth Terry, has a new blog called http://www.Faceitdarlin.com with a friend or hers.  One of the readers, Janey, asked if there was a way she could tell if a boyfriend was abusive.

Beth had some really great information in her answer to Janey and I added comments on her blog of my own.

Among the things that I tell people during the trainings that I do is that these indicators may not show up for a while.  Everyone one is different and the cues are typically very, very subtle.  Controlling behavior may be as simple as the abuser giving a lot of gifts of clothes or jewelry and expecting you to always wear them, so that over time you can no longer choose what you want to wear without it being an issue with them.  As stated above, they may dictate you who can hang out with; expecting you to be at their beck and call all the time.

They make excuses for their behavior and explain it away and justify it.  Often blaming you for “causing” it.  There are many ways to be abusive and we need to remember that emotional abuse is a serious problem as well as physical abuse.

Too many people say things like, “Yeah…but he never hits me…”

Emotional abuse also precedes physical abuse because of its escalating nature.

Trust your instincts.  If this relationship doesn’t feel good and right in every way it’s not the relationship to stay in.

Here are some additional resources regarding abusive relationships.

I have tons of other resources if Janey wants to contact me.

Read on for more info:

Are you going out with someone who…

•           Is jealous and possessive, won’t let you have friends, checks up on you, won’t accept breaking up?

•           Tries to control you by being bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions, not taking your opinions seriously?

•           Puts you down in front of friends, tells you that you would be nothing without him or her?

•           Scares you? Makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do? Threatens you? Uses or owns weapons?

•           Is violent? Has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, brags about mistreating others? Grabs, pushes, shoves, or hits you?

•           Pressures you for sex or is forceful or scary about sex? Gets too serious about the relationship too fast?

•           Abuses alcohol or other drugs and pressures you to take them?

•           Has a history of failed relationships? and blames the other person for all the problems?

•           Makes your family and friends uneasy and concerned for your safety?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you could be the victim of dating abuse. Dating violence or abuse affects one in ten teen couples. Abuse isn’t just hitting. It’s yelling, threatening, name-calling, saying “I’ll kill myself if you leave me”, obsessive phone calling, and extreme possessiveness.

What If You Want Out?

•           Tell your parents, a friend, a counselor, a clergyman, or someone else whom you trust and who can help. The more isolated you are from friends and family, the more control the abuser has over you.

•           Alert the school counselor or security officer.

•           Keep a daily log of the abuse.

•           Do not meet your partner alone. Do not let him or her in your home or car when you are alone.

•           Avoid being alone at school, your job, on the way to and from places.

•           Tell someone where you are going and when you plan to be back.

•           Plan and rehearse what you would do if your partner became abusive.

A helpful resource:

Family Violence Prevention Fund http://endabuse.org/

bottom line · business · Coaching · collaboration · company · conflict · consulting · conversation · costs · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · lawsuit · leadership development · legal · management · offender · Personal Safety · relationships · risk · strategic leadership · team work · training · victim · victim’s rights · violence

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE   Contacts: Rita Smith 303-839-1852 ext. 105

February 10, 2010                 Kathleen Russell 415-250-1180

Family Courts Implicated in Infants’ Murders

Two Young Boys Killed by Two Divorcing Dads in Past 10 Days

Points to Massive System Failure

SAN RAFAEL- National and local advocacy groups are expressing outrage over what has become a disturbing national trend of divorcing Dads killing their children and themselves. 8-month-old baby Bekm was shot and killed by his father, Nicholas Bacon, in Meridian, Idaho just 48 hours ago, while 9-month-old baby Wyatt was killed by his father Stephen Garcia just ten days ago in San Bernardino County. Details are still emerging about the tragic Idaho murder-suicide of baby Bekm on Monday night.

In the Garcia case, three different judges refused multiple requests by the child’s mother for restraining orders to protect her child, despite police reports and documented death threats by the father in text messages and on Facebook.

“The system failed Wyatt Garcia and Katie Tagle,’’ said California Assemblymember Jim Beall, Jr., the lead sponsor of Assembly Bill 612, which aims to prevent the use of non-scientific theories in California family courts. “Wyatt’s tragic death was completely avoidable.

”

Numerous sources report a significant spike in murder suicides across the country by violent fathers who kill their children and themselves, frequently after mothers’ requests for protection of their children are denied by family court judges. In addition, the Leadership Council on Child Abuse & Interpersonal Violence estimates that more than 58,000 children per year in America are ordered by family courts into unsupervised contact with physically or sexually abusive parents following divorce.

“The time has come for us as a society to speak out and put a stop to this growing national body count. Across the country, women and children are being killed because of judges’ personal biases and junk science that tells them to disbelieve women’s legitimate claims and evidence of abuse,” said Rita Smith, the Executive Director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

According to court transcripts and eyewitness accounts, judges reacted with disbelief when mother Katie Tagle presented them with evidence of death threats against her son by the father.

Judge David Mazurek stated, “I get concerned when there’s a pending child custody and visitation issue and in between that, one party or the other claims that there’s some violence in between. It raises the court’s eyebrows because based on my experience, it’s a way for one party to try to gain an advantage over the other,” he said.

“This attitude permeates the courts, that women are lying about the danger they are in,” said Kathleen Russell from the Center for Judicial Excellence. “This attitude causes judges to ignore tangible evidence of death threats and abuse. The abusers’ lobby has convinced judges that shared custody is always the answer, and sadly, this case points out how deadly that approach can be,” she said.

According to a family member who was in the courtroom when Ms. Tagle last sought protection for her son, the judge reportedly said, “One of you is lying, and I think it’s you,” while pointing at Katie. Transcripts from this hearing are not yet available.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Center for Judicial Excellence are part of a growing national advocacy movement to educate the public as well as litigants, lawmakers, judges, and social service providers about the need for comprehensive family court reform. The Center for Judicial Excellence and their allies worked with California State Senator Mark Leno and others to pass an audit request through the state legislature last July. The California State Auditor is currently investigating the use of court appointees in family courts because of growing evidence that children are being harmed there. The California Legislature is slated to consider additional family court reform bills being presented by the Center and the California Protective Parents Association in the coming months.

“We must assess what’s happening in our family courts, and that’s why I’ve requested a state audit to take a hard look at the performance and effectiveness of the family court system,’’ said Assemblymember Beall.

The State Auditor’s report about the California Family Courts has an expected release date of June 2010.

***************

NCADV – The Mission of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) is to organize for collective power by advancing transformative work, thinking and leadership of communities and individuals working to end the violence in our lives.

CJE - The Center for Judicial Excellence (CJE) was established to improve the judiciary’s public accountability and strengthen and maintain the integrity of the courts. CJE has made a special commitment to protect the rights of children and other vulnerable populations in the courts.

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bottom line · business · Coaching · collaboration · company · conflict · consulting · conversation · costs · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · lawsuit · leadership development · legal · management · offender · Personal Safety · relationships · risk · strategic leadership · team work · training · victim · victim’s rights · violence

I came across this blog which I thought was very well written.  I agree with the facts stated as well.  One thing we have to note is while the article is called “Why Do So Many Men Die as a Result of Domestic Violence?”  What we’re looking at and need to address is “why do so many people die as a result of domestic violence?  That’s the problem as far as I’m concerned.

Read the article.  There are also some interesting comments and debates going on in that post.

bottom line · business · Coaching · collaboration · company · conflict · consulting · conversation · costs · domestic abuse · domestic violence in the workplace · domestic violence prevention · employees · employer · lawsuit · leadership development · legal · management · offender · Personal Safety · relationships · risk · strategic leadership · team work · training · victim · victim’s rights · violence

I started today out with an early meeting with a potential client; an alliance partner actually.  We discussed working together to bring the Human Resource Essential Total Solution Package to his organization and then extend it to their clients.

This business man gets it.  His responsibility is in finance and he’s forward-thinking enough to want something value-added for his clients.  Win-win-win.

Within four hours he followed up to schedule another meeting with myself and his HR and Strategic partnership team. This is how each of these great alliances starts: one step at a time – how great it that?

business · Coaching · collaboration · consulting · Domestic Violence · domestic violence at work · personal safety · strategic leadership · team work